


Two Halves of the Same Whole

by teamrebecchi



Category: Neighbours (TV), neighfics - Fandom
Genre: Distorted perception because of anger; grief and guilt, Emotional Roller Coaster, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Minor Swearing, Multi, Self-Hatred, Unreliable Narrator, two drowning people can't save each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-14 22:45:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 23,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13600020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamrebecchi/pseuds/teamrebecchi
Summary: Follow's Amy's struggles after she is recommended to see a psychologist to help her through Nick's imprisonment after he is framed leading to her being forced to confront the issues she had buried, dealing with her anger towards Leo and her pain following the discovery that Leo was her brother.





	1. Drowning Alone

**Author's Note:**

> * This Chapter has a lot of dialogue. It is focused primarily on Amy and where she is coming from in relationship to both Nick and Leo. I haven't stated who is saying what in every new sentence however, the way it is written I believe it will be easy enough to understand who is talking. 
> 
> * I did a lot of research but I couldn't find anything that really explained how to write something from a psychologist's POV and the way that they help people so it is entirely possible that I have messed up with some of Sam's comments but I think that overall, it works given how Amy is written. 
> 
> * Despite focusing on Amy/Leo, there is nothing explicit. It is mainly focused on the emotional struggles. I won't say too much as it will spoil what is coming up. 
> 
> * Every chapter is going to be written very differently but they will all carry on from the previous one. Chapter 1 ends quite abruptly but that is because Chapter 2 picks up right after it. 
> 
> * I don't know when I will have the time to upload the next chapter/s as they are going to be quite long and have a lot to focus on.
> 
> * At times during this chapter, I have intentionally left out whether Amy is angry, upset etc. this is specifically because I want that to be something that is audience based. For those reading it to come to the conclusion on their own what she is going through in that exact moment. I don't know if it will work but I wanted to try something new. I didn't want to tell you what to think in certain moments. It is your interpretation.

_  
“Two drowning people can't save each other. All they can do is drag each other down.”_

**  
** **Carsten Jensen**

Amy sat in the waiting room alone. The idea of needing to see a psychologist after what happened with Nick was just ridiculous but she knew why Toadie had recommended it. After everything he and Sonya had been through, talking to someone had helped him, helped both of them. It had enabled him to move on with his life and at least attempt to let go of the past once and for all – but she didn’t need that. Their problems were nothing alike and to see a psychologist for a break up was a bit of an extreme reaction. She was upset, she’d been struggling since Nick had been sent back to prison on top of finding out that Paul was the one who put him there but. She just needed time, not professional help. But Toadie had insisted that this was something that would be good for her, something that could help her and that Sam was going to be able to help her move forward. Move forward from what he hadn’t specified but she figured it couldn’t do any harm and at least it would get Toadie off her back.

It felt like she had been waiting for hours and the more she watched the clock on the wall, the longer it felt like she’d been there and that two o’clock was never going to come. She couldn’t stop fidgeting and her nerves slowly started to get the better of her to the point where she decided to leave and avoid the session altogether. She picked up her bag and stood up but just before she could walk away from her seat towards the exit, the door to the right of the room opened and a man walked out catching her attention.

_“Amy? Hi. I’m Sam. Please, come on through.”_

Sam smiled at her for a second before stepping aside and gesturing towards his office. Amy nodded her head and smiled back at him, playing with the strap of her bag as she walked into the room with the door closing behind her.

_“Please, take a seat.”_ Sam said to Amy, pointing towards the chair on the opposite side of the room before sitting down himself. Amy looked around the room and started to laugh, catching Sam’s attention.

_“Sorry. I didn’t… It’s just, I mean, this is so ridiculous”,_ Amy’s laughter faded as she sat down. _“Toadie is completely overreacting here. Don’t get me wrong, I know that he means well and everything but I just need some time, not therapy.”_

_“That’s fine. Look, I completely understand but it doesn’t do any harm to have someone to talk to, does it?_ ” Sam said.

_“No, I suppose not,”_ Amy started to get nervous, looking around the room before focusing on Sam. _“So, where do I start?”_

_“Wherever you’d like.”_

_“Okay… well, I guess with my recent relationship? I mean, it is why Toadie suggested I come and talk to you.”_

Sam nodded and Amy took a deep breath to calm her nerves and waited a few minutes before speaking.

_“Actually, I guess there isn’t much to tell really. I, uh, I met someone that I liked and who liked me back and then he was sent back to prison for something he didn’t do and we broke up.”_ Amy replied sadly while attempting to smile as the memories of her relationship with Nick came flooding back. The room was completely silent but now that she had started talking, she felt that she had to continue.

_“Um… Nick made a lot of mistakes in the past but he was working really hard to be a better person. You know, he really did try and that doesn’t excuse anything he did in the past, I’m not defending that or anything but well, everyone deserves a second chance. Especially when they regret what they did, right? And I wanted to give him a second chance because I liked him.”_

Amy looked up at Sam with a soft, half smile on her face and he smiled back at her.

_“He just… being around him made me so happy. I’d forgotten what that felt like. It was like I was alive again for the first time in months.”_

_“How do you mean?”_ Sam queried.

_“It’s just been a really bad year. Um… a couple of months ago something happened and it completely changed my life in the worst way possible. Then I met Nick and I finally had someone who brought some happiness into my life. Until my family got involved that is and then and it was nothing but pain and misery – thanks to my brother!”_

Amy’s expression alternated between sadness and joy before being overcome with anger at the mere mention of Leo. She slammed her hand on the table next to her in a moment of rage and her voice broke up as she cried out. _“HE TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!”_  

_“Your brother?”_ Sam asked confused.

_“What?”_

_“You said that your brother took everything from you. Is he the reason your relationship ended?”_ Sam questioned in an attempt to clarify Amy’s statement.

A statement that Amy herself wasn’t sure how to answer. She hadn’t intended to bring Leo up at all but her emotions got the better of her the more she thought about Nick.

_“No. I mean, what I meant was that… it’s just, this whole thing is really complicated. But it was technically his fault. He doesn’t get off scot-free here. Leo was responsible for things getting as bad as what they did. He was the one who got the ball rolling.”_  

_“In what way?”_

_“He was the one who attacked Nick! He threatened him repeatedly and made it very clear that he was out to get him and would make his life a living hell unless he stayed away from me. The first day I met Nick… Leo and I were walking through the complex and Nick came up, just to talk and Leo completely lost it and lashed out and then he tried to act like he did nothing wrong.”_ Amy laughed bitterly.

_“I see.”_ Sam said gently, looking down at his notebook. _“What’s your relationship with Leo like?”_

_“I don’t know. It’s not bad, I guess. I mean, we’re not close or anything.”_ Amy responded, speaking extremely fast in an attempt to shift the conversation away from Leo.

_“Because of Nick?”_

_“No!”_

_“Have you ever been close?”_

_“Once. A long time ago. Things were… well, they were very different back then. Better.”_ Amy replied.

_“You mentioned that something happened a few months ago that completely changed your life, was that to do with Leo?”_ Sam asked.

Amy nodded at the question and whispered back, keeping her head down, _“Things were good between us back then and then everything just came crashing down.”_

_“Crashing down?”_

_“We…”_ Amy paused before gesturing to Sam that she wasn’t going to continue speaking.

_“There’s no judgment here, Amy. Whatever you say stays between us. I’m just here to help.”_

_“Well, when we… I mean, we didn’t know that we were related when we met and we got close and then the truth came out – before anything could happen. It was actually really horrible.”_

_“Sounds like you both went through a very difficult time.”_ Sam whispered empathetically.

_“Both?_ ”, Amy snapped back, “ _No! No, *I* went through a difficult time. Me! Not Leo.”_

Sam looked at Amy and gently smiled as her breathing became heavier and she clenched her teeth as tears started to form in her eyes.

Sam responded gently, _“I see. What happened between you two?”_

_“Leo left me!”_ Amy said in a stern tone as her voice broke up. _“That’s what happened.”_

Amy took a deep breath before continuing and Sam removed his glasses in order to give her his full attention as she continued to speak.

_“Ever since my ex, both of them left me I’ve, uh, I haven’t really been able to let my guard down for anyone. I’ve tried, you know with friends and… but I just couldn’t do it. I was scared to get hurt again and it would have definitely happened again. It always happens again. And then Leo came along and I let my guard down for him, because of him. I let him in completely. I trusted him - he made me trust him and care about him to the point where I couldn’t even imagine not having him in my life. I actually started to see himself having a future with him, how ridiculous is that?”_

_“Why is it ridiculous?”_ Sam inquired.

_“Because he walked away. The second that things got bad. I know it was a difficult situation but I mean, he just left me alone to deal with everything that was happening all by myself. He got himself a new girlfriend within a week of leaving me and then just constantly threw it in my face whenever he got the chance. Like he needed me to know that he’d moved on and was happy with someone else. Things were just so bad and it just kept getting worse and worse all the time. I was hurting. I was in so much pain and…”_

With the back of her hands, Amy wiped the tears away from her eyes. “… _if any of this was real, the person he led me to believe he was and that he genuinely cared about me – if that was real, he wouldn’t have done any of that. He wouldn’t have been able to do that to me. This whole thing just made me realise that it was never real in the first place.”_

Her voice broke up the more that she spoke to the point where she couldn’t hold herself together anymore and burst into tears. She couldn’t even tell if she was crying because she was upset or because she was angry because of what Leo did to her. Sam stood up and moved towards her with a box of tissues which she accepted but before she used it, she continued to talk whilst crying.

_“That is why it hurt so much. You can’t just move on that easily if it’s real and it obviously wasn’t. At least for him and just knowing that he saw me in that… that he saw how much I was hurting every day and never even tried to help just tells me the kind of person he always was. It’s so obvious looking back now – he played me. This whole thing was just a game to him and he moved onto someone else when he couldn’t get what he wanted from me.”_

The more Amy spoke about Leo, the angrier she became at the realisation of the kind of person he had been along and that she’d been manipulated and had her heart broken because she let someone in. Her comments however confused Sam who attempted to gain a better understanding of Leo and what Amy’s relationship with him was like.

_“Why do you think he played you?”_ Sam asked.

_“What?”,_ Amy whispered in disbelief. _“Because he did. He made me fall in love with him and then he left me. I… I just said that. Okay? I was hurting – I was struggling, not him. He didn’t even try to help me. It was like I was in a sinking ship and instead of tossing me a lifeline, he just decided to… POKE HOLES IN IT INSTEAD. HE DIDN’T EVEN CONSIDER HELPING ME FOR A SECOND.”_ Amy screamed out.

_“Amy, that’s not what I – “_ Sam attempted to correct his initial question but Amy interrupted him before he could do so.

_“I thought that we were going to work through this together. We were in the same place, struggling with the same thing and then out of nowhere, with *NO* explanation he just gives me a cheque and tells me that he wants nothing to do with me and hooks up with the first woman that comes along. That… that doesn’t sound like someone who is struggling, does it?”_

Amy cried more and more the angrier she became. On the one hand, she didn’t want to think about what happened with Leo and how much he had hurt her but on the other, being able to talk about what he did and how she felt was almost soothing, even if it did mean that she had to accept what he did and that she hated him for it.

_“To me, it sounds like someone who’s just plain selfish. Leo just proved to me that he was as heartless as I always suspected he was. You know, the Leo that I knew or at least the one I thought I knew would have cared about what I was going through. He would have cared that I was drowning and that person… THAT PERSON”,_ Amy screamed out in frustration before stopping and taking a deep breath, _“…he would have saved me. But I guess he never existed in the first place.”_

_“Perhaps it’s best to take a step back. “Sam_ said.

_“And do what exactly? I’ve already lost everything because of him. Everything I lost is what he gained and… I mean, I am not going to let him forget that. Forget what he stole from me. I just want my life back and for Leo to acknowledge that and just stop pretending like he didn’t do anything wrong.”_

_“Sounds like you want revenge?”_ Sam questioned as Amy’s anger and bitterness increased.

_“NO!”_ Amy snapped back. _“All I want is for him to own up to what he did to me – that he never cared for me. I want the truth, not revenge. I’m allowed to be angry. There’s nothing wrong with being angry at the person who hurt you.”_

_“I never said there was.”_ Sam attempted to reassure Amy but it didn’t work.

_“You’re thinking it though, aren’t you? That I’m being irrational for feeling like Leo used me and then tossed me aside. For knowing that he is happy and has a wonderful life while I’m completely lost and then when I finally found someone and moved on, he sabotaged my relationship every chance he got. I mean, I think I have earned the right to be pissed off at him.”_

_“There’s nothing wrong with being angry, Amy. Anger is a normal human emotion and can be at times, a way to protect ourselves and our vulnerabilities. It can also be a way to mask other emotions like fear, sadness or something that stems from a loss. But, it can also cloud our judgement – change the way that we see things.”_ Sam explained.

_“How do you mean?”_ Amy asked, confused about what Sam was saying.

_“Based on everything you’ve said, it sounds a lot like your anger has become almost consuming. When that happens, it can impact your perceptions and not in a good way. Particularly if you are angry with someone. You might not see their actions for what they are but rather what you think they were. It can make dealing with the actual issue a lot harder even if it makes reality more bearable. Now, I’m not suggesting that you misinterpreted the situation or that Leo didn’t behave the way you say he did – “_

Before Sam could finish speaking, Amy interrupted him by laughing loudly and standing up. Neither her nor Sam spoke as she paced back and forth along the side of the room before stopping at the wall, standing there with her back to Sam. She took several deep breaths, shaking her head before turning around to face Sam.

_“Do you know what drowning feels like?”,_ Amy whispered. _“I don’t mean literally but rather what happens to you inside. You know that you’re fine physically and that you’re not in any danger but… emotionally and mentally, it just feels like you’re suffocating inside of yourself. Like, the water is rising up higher and higher inside of you and there is nowhere to run to and you can’t save yourself, you can’t even call out for help because it just never stops. All you really need is for someone to pull you out of that and that’s it, you’re fine but I mean, what do you do when there is no one there? You can’t survive if you are hurting so much that you can’t even save yourself. That is what Leo did to me.”_

_“You know, the thing about drowning is that you can’t save someone if you are drowning too. Neither of you can survive unless one of you walks away and saves yourself first.”_ Sam stated.

_“You’re talking about Leo, right?”_ Amy asked unimpressed.

_“I’m not trying to undermine what you are going through, I’m just making an observation.”_

_“Okay. Let’s hear it then. Give it to me straight.”_ Amy responded bitterly.

_“If Leo was struggling in the same way that you were, it’s possible that he might not have been able to stay in your life. That he couldn’t have helped you through this and if he’d stayed, it could have done more harm than good. Regardless of the type of situation, if you are hurting and unable to keep yourself afloat, you can’t help the other person. No matter how hard you might try and if that happens, if you try to put their needs ahead of your own when you are in a bad place, then you end up neglecting your own problems. You end up burying what you are going through and it allows those issues to fester cause more harm later on. Sometimes, no matter how hard it might be one person needs to remove themselves from the situation before they can even attempt to help the other person. If they don’t, neither of them will be able to move forward.”_ Sam explained.

Amy nodded in agreement for a few seconds before indicating she believed Sam was mistaken as she walked towards him.

_“Look, I get what you are saying. Really, I do. I saw what happened with Toadie and Sonya. I saw how badly they were both struggling. Not just this year but over the years, I know that not putting yourself first, not helping yourself first can be incredibly destructive. Especially if you put your own feelings on hold for the other person. Okay? But that is not what happened here.”_

_“Isn’t it?”_ Sam queried.

_“No, it isn’t. I would understand if Leo needed to get his life back on track. If he was hurting and didn’t know how to help anyone other than himself get through this but let’s just be realistic here. He didn’t leave me because he needed time or to put himself first before helping me, he put himself first because he’s selfish. Because the only person Leo cares about is himself. Not me! Not what I was going through! The only person who matters to Leo is Leo. Do you know how I know that?”_

Sam shook his head as Amy continued. _“Because he’s fine”,_ she stated harshly as she started to cry again. _“He’s been fine for months and he still hasn’t bothered to check and see if I was alright. Not even once.”_

_“How do you know he is alright?”_ Sam asked.

_“Um… because he is. I’ve seen it. There is nothing to suggest he isn’t coping, he just can’t be bothered with me. That’s why he isn’t here. He doesn’t care. If he did, if he was hurting as much as you think he was and he’d worked through the pain and was alright now – I would be talking to him, not you.”_ Amy whispered bitterly as she broke eye contact with Sam.

The longer Amy spoke about Leo, the more obvious it became to Sam that she truly believed everything she said about Leo and that her belief was based on anger as well as heartache.

_“I mentioned earlier that anger can be consuming but it can also be a form of control. Particularly when you’ve lost something. It becomes a kind of stepping stone, something that gives you back your control and allows you to focus, even if it is only on one thing. That can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the situation but as a coping mechanism, it can be harmful. Especially if it directed at someone and in this case, Leo appears to have become the sole focus of that anger. Being angry at him allowed you to get your life back on track, to cope with your heart break but I think that as time went on, it turned into something else, a way to get back at him as well as get yourself through this.”_

Amy laughed bitterly, _“So…”,_ looking up at the ceiling with her hands on her hips. _“I’m sorry. Are you implying that I was only with Nick because I wanted to get back at Leo?”_

Sam responded softly _. “I didn’t mention Nick, Amy.”_

_“But he is who you are talking about when you say that I wanted to get back at him?”_ Amy was becoming increasingly agitated.

_“What I mean is – “_

Amy interrupted before Sam could finish the sentence catching him off guard. _“Actually, you know what I… I know what you’re going to say and I just don’t want to hear it.”_

_“Amy…”_

_“No! Okay?”,_ Amy walked quickly towards the seat she had been sitting in and picked up her bag. _“You’re wrong. I appreciate your insight but I’ve had enough of this.”_ Amy snapped back as she rushed out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

 


	2. A Fine Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure that after reading this, you'll notice that there are a lot of loose ends and aspects that require more details and I will be finishing this off in both the last two chapters of THOTSW as well as other fics, especially ones that Amy is involved in.

_“No one can hate you with more intensity than someone who used to love you.”_

**― Rick Riordan**

****

** Lassiters Lake – Present Day **

 

‘This is ridiculous!’ Amy thought aloud, shaking her head as she laughed bitterly at the very idea.  

Sam may not have said it outright but she knew what he was implying. That she had been using Nick. That her relationship was built on hurting Leo because he broke her heart. That she made him out to be a monster, someone who never cared about her, someone who hurt her in order to hurt him. The idea alone was offensive – to insinuate that she would do something like that, that she would use another human being, treat them like a prop to hurt anyone, even Leo was to awful to think about. Just hearing those words come out of his mouth, knowing he was comparing her to the likes of Leo and her father was devasting. That wasn’t who she was and the idea was ludicrous. All she wanted was to be happy and hurting Leo, even after everything he did wasn’t going to bring her any happiness.

‘What did I say? What did I… do?’

Her heartbeat was increasing rapidly the longer she thought about Sam’s words and with every passing thought, she felt on the verge of tears as her hands started shaking and her breathing deepened. A feeling brought about by anger at the very idea that there were people, those she loved and those she barely knew who believed her capable of something like that. Nothing they said had any basis but knowing they truly believed it was too overwhelming to deal with, causing her to burst into tears, cradling her head with her right hand.

‘How could they think I would do something like that?’ Why do they all believe I wanted to hurt Leo?’ Amy thought to herself, unable to rid herself of those thoughts.

 

** Warrinor Prison – Seven Months Earlier**

_“Dad admitted to everything. Not that it actually matters though. He’ll never confess to the police and there’s no proof so…”_ Amy said softly.

_“You know what the worst part is? He didn’t even own up to what he did because it was the right thing to do. Not that I should be surprised, it isn’t his style but, he did it because he didn’t want to see Leo get hurt. Can you believe that? He was more worried about Leo than me or you… And what did he have to lose anyway? He didn’t end up in prison or get his heart broken or-“_

_“Do we have to talk about this?”_ Nick responded harshly, cutting Amy off.

_“No, of course not.”_

_“Sorry.”_

Nick leaned back in his chair, fidgeting with his hands and avoiding eye contact. He’d been that way from the moment Amy arrived. He’d given her a few half-hearted smiles and asked her how she was but overall, remained silent and distant. Giving the impression that he didn’t want her there, despite contacting her and asking to see her. She’d smiled at him, tried to catch his attention and talked about everything that was happened. She’d told him about Jimmy and work but the only reaction she got out of him was when she was talking about Paul and Leo, which wasn’t a surprise given what they did. His constant evasiveness was beginning to make her feel uneasy and it was clear that something had changed between them, a realisation that started to distress. Suddenly, she leaned across the table and grabbed hold of Nick’s hand, catching his attention. 

 _“I’m so sorry this happened.”_ Amy whispered.

_“It’s okay.”_

_“No, it’s not,”_ Amy responded sadly. _“My family were the ones that did this to you. God! This is all my fault. If I just listened to my dad and Leo…”_

 _“You can’t give in to people like that, Amy. They’ll never stop trying to control you if you do.”_ Nick said.

_“I guess. But, you know what? This isn’t the end, okay? You’ll be out of here eventually and then we can pick up where we left off. Maybe even leave Erinsborough and start fresh?”_

_“Yeah…”_ Nick smiled briefly before taking a deep breath. _“That’s not going to happen, Amy.”_

 _“What?”_ Amy whispered.

 _“I’ve been… there’s been a lot on my mind lately. Things that… Well, I should have seen where all of this was heading before I ended up back in here.”_ Nick said coldly.

 _“What kind of things? Things about me?”_ Amy asked.

_“In a way. Yeah.”_

_“Nick, I love you.”_

_“Yeah…”_ Nick whispered under his breath before pulling his hand away from Amy’s, taking a deep breath before looking her in the eyes.

_“But, you want to hurt Leo much more.”_

_“WHAT? THAT’S…_ ” Amy screamed out, catching the attention of those around her before proceeding to whisper. _“How could you even think that? That’s… that’s absurd!”_

 _“Is it?”_ Nick questioned, softly. _“Because Leo was just… he was always there. In… in one way or another and I tried to pretend like it was nothing, that he was just there because of your dad but the truth… well, it’s kind of hard of ignore actually. It isn’t just you either, you know? It’s him too. He’s like a jealous boyfriend who just can’t let go and… I mean, it’s almost like you play off each other.  I don’t think it’s intentional but you both do it – you know he’s going to get worked up and lash out anytime he saw us together so, you gave him something to get worked up about and I just can’t help but wonder if he was alright with us being together… if we would have been together.”_

 _“Of course we-“_  

 _“No!”_ Nick stated, cutting her off before she had a chance to answer. _“No, we wouldn’t and… look, you just need to work through whatever is going on between you two and I just… until you do, I don’t want anything more to do with you.”_

 _“What?”_ Amy whispered under her breath, trying to process everything she’d heard.

_“Goodbye, Amy.”_

_“Hang on!”_

_“Guard!”_

 

** Present Day – Lassiters Lake **

 

She’d tried to forget that day. To pass it off as a mutual decision to end their relationship because it was in their own and each other’s best interest. And it worked. It wasn’t the most believable answer especially after everything that happened but no one seemed to notice or even care. They took her words at face value so keeping the lie in place was easy and could allow her to forget what Nick had said. Not only his reasons for breaking up with her but his belief that she was only interested in him because it was hurting Leo. It was embarrassing and just plain insulting and something she never wanted to think about ever again but Sam’s comment brought it all back.

_“You might not see their actions for what they are but rather what you think they were.”_

_“I think you wanted to hurt Leo more.”_

_“A way to get back at him.”_

_“You play off each other.”_

_“Leo appears to have become the sole focus of that anger.”_

_“You gave him something to get worked up about.”_

Those words were repeating themselves over and over again in her mind but now, there were new ones attached to them. Her thoughts were all over the place and she couldn’t make sense of them but the one thing she knew for certain was that she loved Nick and Leo had hurt her. She didn’t need people tearing her behaviour to shreds and analysing it to work out if she was in love or out for revenge, she just needed them to see her for who she was. 

Every time she thought of Nick over the past few months, there were nothing but happy memories. Memories that made her smile and picked her up on a bad day but now, it was different. Something had changed. Every single thought of Nick, of their time together was tainted by Leo – his presence, his words. It was like he was seeping into every moment of happiness she’d experienced and leaving her feeling emptier than ever. As though he was sucking the life out of her and she couldn’t get away from him or find any semblance of joy that didn’t include him, he was just always there. It made the idea that she was pushing her relationship in Leo's face even worse and harder to get over, especially since it put the emphasis on her rather than Leo interfering every chance he got. He inserted himself into her relationship. He did that himself, it had nothing to do with her – it’s just who he is.  

 _“He was just always there, in one way or another.”_ Amy said aloud, shaking her head in frustration.

The longer she thought about it, the more she realised that from the moment Nick came into her life, Leo was always around and his behaviour towards Nick was awful from day one. From the moment she'd told Leo and her dad about meeting Nick, about getting closer to him, only to have Leo make out that Nick's interest in her could have only been based on revenge. That he would never have liked her if he didn't want to get back at Paul. The insinuation that it was the only way someone would show any interest in her and making her feel worthless in the process made her despise him even more, especially since it was coming from someone like him. 

 _"That’s ironic coming from him, after everything he’s done.”_ She said, laughing bitterly.

And it only got worse from there. He attacked Nick and tried to play it off as a mere warning when it was obvious to herself, Nick and anyone who saw him that night that it was a threat and one he intended to carry out if Nick didn’t listen and stay away from her. It hadn’t stopped there. Nick had told her what happened the night of the storm. He had to. It was obvious he was distressed about something and nervous about being so close to her and she was around all the other times he lashed out at him. His threats were increasing and he was becoming more aggressive all the time and both she and Nick knew that he meant every word of it and it was becoming almost too much to deal with.

 _‘He doesn’t want me to be happy. That’s why he was acting that way.’_ she thought to herself, remembering the way Leo behaved and realising he wasn’t only that way with Nick. _‘He did the same with Jack and they were friends.’_

She thought about the look on Leo’s face when she suggested he help Jack because he had nowhere to go after leaving the church, because he needed help. That bitterness, that anger and then the accusations started flying. He didn’t have a care in the world for what Jack was going through.

‘What did Leo say again? Oh, that’s right.’

_“Are you sure that’s all you want him to be?”_

She knew what he was implying. That she wanted to help Jack because she was interested in him and something more was going on between them. Jimmy had even told her how he reacted to him talking about how much happier she’d been since she started going to church and it wasn't going to be the same without Jack there. Jimmy was blasé about the matter so she didn’t think he’d seen that for what it was and neither had she at the time but she did now. Leo was jealous. He wasn’t happy about them spending so much time together and that there was someone out there who was making her happy, who was giving her a reason to smile.

‘Nick was right! Leo does act like a jealous boyfriend. God! How can they put that on me?’ Amy thought to herself.

 _“Leo was the one who hurt ME!”_ She said aloud through gritted teeth.

She thought back to what happened when Nick was arrested and how much it hurt. Not because she thought her dad had done it but because of Leo. He led her to believe he framed Nick, that he was the one who got him sent back to prison. Even when she confronted him after the truth came out, his response was _“I didn’t say I did it, you just assumed I did.”_ As though it was somehow her fault that he did that to her. He knew she’d believe it, she didn't have any reason not to, especially after everything he'd already done to end their relationship. It was easy to believe that he'd sent Nick back to prison because he didn't like him or because she refused to end things with him especially as he stood there looking smug and being completely unapologetic. Then, to find out he lied, that he was prepared to let her believe he’d done something like that to her hurt even more. It hurt knowing that he wanted to her to believe he could do that to her. He used her trust issues, the fact that she was scared to open up and believe people, that she'd let her guard down for and because of him against her.

‘Leo knew how much he hurt me. He knew that I was devastated and that I trusted him and it still wasn’t enough for him to tell me the truth.’ The thoughts were going through Amy’s mind, bringing her to the verge of tears again.

She hadn’t considered he might have been trying to protect someone, that he was doing something selfless and what he thought was right but she knew that if she told Sam that, it was exactly what he would have said. He would have tried to find a way to justify Leo’s actions. But it was too hard to believe, especially after everything he put her through. He hurt her too many times for her to believe he was a good person. He’d lied and misled her and allowed her to believe he took someone she cared about away from her. That was as bad as if he actually did it. It didn’t matter to her that he was trying to protect her dad, it was devastating to know that he could let her hate him that much and that he didn’t care what thinking that would do to her.

‘He doesn’t care about me – you can’t do that to someone who like let alone someone you care about.’ Amy’s mind was repeating that sentence over and over again.

All of Leo’s actions, whether it was about Nick or Jack or her dad or Mishti – all of them just made it clearer that he never truly cared about her. Shoving that relationship in her face, not caring about how she felt seeing him with someone else after they were just forced apart, implying that no one could ever want her for her, suggesting she couldn’t care about her friends unless she wants to have sex with them and being annoyed that someone made her happy.

‘He was just being controlling.’ Amy thought to herself and even though she wasn’t sure she was on the right track regarding Leo’s actions, it somehow just made sense. Especially in light of remembering Nick’s words.

_“They’ll never stop trying to control you.”_

He was right. Leo was exactly the same as her dad. Everyone always talked about how similar they were and they were right. Her dad was controlling, he was determined to make sure that any decision she made was something that he approved of, unless he wouldn't have it and forced on her the idea of what he wanted her to do. Leo was the same.

 _"The apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree after all."_ Amy said aloud.

She remembered Leo telling her about his nickname ‘ _Nezumi’_ and his grandmother saying he was exactly the same as his father. She hadn't realised how true that statement was until now. That he was exactly the same as his father, that they were basically the same person. They behaved the same and neither one of them could stand the idea of losing control over her. He didn’t like that she had moved on and he didn’t like that she wasn’t interested in how he felt about it. He would rather see her upset and miserable, knowing that what he wanted for her was more important and that he didn't care about how she felt. 

‘If he’s prepared to do that to me than why shouldn’t I do the same to him?!’ She laughed bitterly to herself.

 _“Oh, my God!"_  Amy whispered in horror. _"What have I done?”_  

The events following Nick’s imprisonment came rushing back into her mind. The people she hurt, those she'd messed with knowing full well how they would feel and that they had no reason to doubt anything she told them. That behaviour, it wasn’t who she was. But it was like Leo brought it out in her. The moment she found out he’d framed Nick, she wanted to hurt him like he’d hurt her. But instead of going after him, she went after someone he cared about: Mishti. She thought back to what she'd said to Mishti. She may not have said it directly but she knew the trust issues that Mishti had - how hard it was for her to open herself up to someone and that she was scared to let those walls down in case she got hurt because she had been the same once. Mishti was just waiting for something to go wrong so she implied that Leo used her as an alibi so he could frame Nick and get away with it. She'd poisoned her mind against him and it worked. She turned on him in a second and didn't want anything more to do with him. If she couldn't be with the person she cared about than neither could be. It was such a horrible thing to do but she'd done it and she didn't even care. Leo was right in what he said about her. 

_“You truly are your father’s daughter.”_

She did to him when he and her dad did to people. What Leo insinuated that Nick was doing to her. Target someone by hurting the people they love, exploiting and manipulating them. She hated herself for it. For what she’d turned into. She wasn’t like her father, she didn’t like watching people suffer and she never knew she had it in her until now. It was as though being around Leo and hating him for what he'd done to her brought out the vindictiveness in her. It was what enabled her to go after Mishti like that. 

‘I shouldn't have hurt her.' She thought to herself. ‘But, I didn't use Nick to hurt Leo. I wouldn't do that.' 


	3. Lost Connection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * make sure you have read "a pale shadow" before reading this chapter as it ties in.
> 
> * contains implied references to self harm.

_“Go out. Meet someone, have fun. Just do whatever you need to do to take your mind off of us.”_

**Leo Tanaka (7586)**

Hours passed and a chill was slowly developing in the air and the sky got darker as Amy remained seated on the bench, trying to make sense of all the thoughts that were making their way into her mind and the realisation of what she was capable of. She’d always thought she was better than that, than them – her family. That she wasn’t someone who could set out to hurt another person, especially not intentionally. But now, she was starting to see herself in a different light and her actions weren’t what she thought they were. Sitting there, the wind was getting stronger and before she knew it, it started to rain heavily. Jumping to her feet immediately; she looked around, spotting the gazebo and ran towards it as fast as she could, attempting to seek shelter until it stopped raining and almost slipped on the wet grass in the process. As she tried to regain her balance, she heard a faint voice calling out in the distance, stopping her dead in her tracks as she turned to face the direction the voice was coming from.

Sonya ran through the park. The hood on her raincoat almost completely covering her face and her glasses hanging off the end of her nose as the umbrella she was holding in her right hand dragged along the ground. Toadie was walking slowly, trying to avoid stepping in any puddles and using his briefcase to cover himself as Sonya called out again, catching his attention and he stopped as she approached him. She handed him the umbrella and then turned around, running off, back in the direction she came from. Toadie stood there, struggling to get the umbrella up as he looked up and saw Amy. His relaxed yet frustrated expression turned to horror as his eyes widened and he immediately look a step in the direction Sonya had run off in before turning back to face Amy. He put on a big smile, scrunching up his face and squinting as he waved to her and Amy smiled softly and waved back before Toadie put his head down, shaking it as he ran off. Her smile slowly faded as confusion set in and as she looked up, she realised she was still standing in the rain and was completely soaked and quickly made her way into the gazebo. She turned around to look in the direction that Toadie ran off in, taking a step back before sitting down as it gradually dawned on her.

‘It’s… that was the same look from the yard.’ Amy thought to herself.

Something had been bothering her ever since Toadie came to see her that day and she finally realised what it was – nothing about the way he was acting was real. It was just that, an act. He didn’t want to be there and he certainly didn’t want to be all nice and friendly towards her. It reminded her of something that happened with Jimmy just before they came to Erinsborough. There was a boy, Jackson who in Jimmy’s class and who he didn’t like. One day, Jackson invited Jimmy to his house and she told him, over and over again that he had to be nice to him so that was what he did. He smiled a lot, he overdid the niceness and was almost at the point of being sickly sweet and unbearably pleasant that it would have been subtler if Jimmy just told Jackson he didn’t like him. She noticed and so did Jackson’s parents and when they left, she asked him why he was acting that way and he told her that he didn’t know how else to act because he doesn’t like him. That was what Toadie was doing. He was so focused on trying to act like he wanted to be there, that he wanted to have that chat and encourage her to get help that he didn’t realise how obvious it was that he clearly had an issue with her.

Thinking back to that conversation, there was no way it was about Nick. He pulled that out of thin air, but still somehow managed to put the idea into her head that maybe she wasn’t okay. That she needed time to properly move on with her life and that Nick was holding her back and despite knowing better, she truly believed that he might have been right. Thinking about Nick, she realised that the only reason Toadie would have mentioned him was because it was the only thing he knew about which made her wonder if someone had sent him to talk to her. If they had, it could only have been two people: her father or Gary but it didn’t make sense of either of them to do that. Her father would have spoken to her himself and if he did go to Toadie, he wouldn’t have been making it up as he went along, he would have known what the problem was and Gary, no matter how worried he might have been, he would never risk bringing someone else in, he would just have continued trying to help her himself like he was already doing. Which meant it had to be someone who wouldn’t have talked to her themselves and the only person she could think of was Sonya.

She couldn’t figure out why Sonya would be worried about her though, especially to the extent of wanting her to see a psychologist. They hadn’t spoken in over a year but what happened between them would explain why Toadie was acting the way he was, why he was trying so hard and now that she thought about it, she realised Toadie must have known what happened with Sonya and now hated her as much as she did. Not that she could blame her. She already hated herself for what she did to Sonya, for hurting her instead of putting her mind at ease, especially after everything she’d been through so she could only imagine how they must have felt towards her. Every time she thought about that, she realised how simple the solution was. It was so obvious that Sonya hadn’t meant those words. It was in her eyes, her voice – she could barely say them without looking like she was seconds away from falling apart. And she had the chance to help her but the reality was that she didn’t want to because she believed what she felt with Toadie was real and she ruined everything with Sonya in a split second because of it. All of it was gone because Sonya gave her what she wanted. She was giving her the opportunity to be with Toadie and she took without any regard for anyone else.

‘It wasn’t just a feeling, what me and Toadie had was real.’ Amy thought to herself, smiling as the memories came flooding back to her.  

‘Toadie, just being around him… it was like we were on the same wavelength. We had a connection, an emotional one and we understood each other in a way that no one else ever had. He gave me a reason to smile again, for the first time in ages. Nick too, it was why I loved him. Both of them.’

Her memories were taking over, allowing her to relive all the happiness and freedom that Toadie and Nick had given her. Being around both of them allowed her to come out of that shell she was hiding in for years. Encouraged her to take a chance on love and allowing herself to be happy again. Even when her instincts were telling her to abort, she didn’t because she could see a future with them and that it was worth fighting against all the odds if only for the possibility of that future coming true. Around them, she didn’t just feel like she could let her guard down but she wanted to and they did the same with her because they cared about her more than anything and they made her feel like she could, for the first time just follow her heart. Even with the risk of getting hurt, she knew they would never have hurt her the way Leo did.

Her smile slowly disappeared as confusion set in about what she was remembering, whispering under her breath. _“Wait a minute! That wasn’t… That didn’t happen. Toadie didn’t… that didn’t happen with Toadie. Or Nick. That was…”_

In an instant, she realised she was remembering everything that happened with Leo, both the good and bad and projecting it onto Toadie and Nick. The realisation reminded her of what Sam said, that she could have been angry enough that her perception of reality was altered and she might not have been remembering events as they happened and he was right. It was Leo she felt all those things with. He was the one who gave her a reason to smile and the person she was prepared to take a chance because he made her happy. He was the one who brought her back to life, the person who was freeing to be around and who she was willing to take a risk with and fall in love with and she wanted that feeling back. But it was more than that. She was so sure that Leo never cared about her. That he had no interest in her aside from what he could get out of her but now, it was becoming clearer that he might not have been the one who did that, or at least not the only one.

 _“Toadie… didn’t care about me. He wanted nothing more to do with me after that day… Nick was the same.”_ Amy said, softly as her voice started to break up.

Toadie only really cared about Sonya and Willow. He wasn’t spending time with her because he wanted to or because they were friends, he had no one else and she was there. It became more obvious as she remembered that last time they spoke and the way that Toadie laughed off the idea, even getting offended at the thought of being interested in her, let alone ever wanting to be in a relationship with her. He hadn’t cared once during that conversation about what he was doing to her and Nick did the same. He wanted that relationship as much as she did and then he just threw it all away because he thought she wanted to hurt Leo more than she wanted to be with him. He wouldn’t even speak to her again, it was like she hadn’t meant anything to him at all and it was now becoming clearer that that was what she thought Leo had done to her when he walked away.  

Everything changed the day Leo walked out on her, deciding for the both of them that it was best if they stayed away from each other as it was the only way to move forward with their lives. It was like her heart had been ripped out, as though Leo had killed something inside of her and all that was left was broken and angry and just fighting to survive. Up until that moment, she’d been okay. Knowing that they were both going through the same thing and would be okay in the long run if they helped and supported each other had been a comforting thought and got her through the initial shock and heartbreak. Then, in a split second, Leo walked away from her and he took a part of her with him when he left. Thinking back, she realised that he was still there, occasionally checking on her and making sure she was alright but it was different. As though there was a restriction on how much care or concern he could show for her. Things with him hadn’t been perfect and there was more drama, problems and heartache than she cared to think about but being with him, around him – it was like she was finally whole again. She felt like she was alive, like she could breathe easily and then it was gone and she risked so much, lost so much just trying to recreate that feeling and the only way she knew how to do that was to follow his advice.

_“Go out. Meet someone, have fun. Just do whatever you need to do to take your mind off of us.”_

Those words had been haunting her for months, especially the calmness and encouraging way that Leo said them. As though, he was just telling her to have a nice day, not to go and find someone to have sex with in order to move on with her life. She’d tried to forget them. Forget what he was telling her to do but it was all she had so she followed what he said and she ended up suffering even more than she was before. Both because Leo had recommended it and because she did something that she wasn’t comfortable with. Even knowing that she would continue to get hurt and the relief wouldn’t last wasn’t enough to stop her from listening to him and she knew it wouldn’t work because she tried something similar around Christmas the year before. She reinvented herself in order to forget about Leo and to be happy and it worked, at least for a couple of hours. She created a new name, a new family and job and she met someone, someone she really liked and for those few hours, this new persona gave her back some of the happiness she was missing and then, in a second it was gone. That joy faded away and she came crashing back down to reality and it made everything hurt even more. As though her pain was being thrown back in her face.

It was terrible advice and what made it worse was that she felt like it was the only option she had and that if she didn’t take it, she was on her own. The whole thing came down to whether she wanted to be happy or she wanted to move on and stop thinking about what she and Leo had and she chose to move on, hoping it would lead to her happiness. But nothing she did made her happy. If anything, she felt like she was losing more of herself every day. It was like she was stuck in an endless cycle between feeling good and what she now considered happiness as the days progressed to suffering and being miserable and hating herself each morning, just trying to make sense of why she was doing this to herself. It had gotten to the point where she barely even recognised the person in the mirror staring back at her and no matter how bad it got, she didn’t stop because in its own messed up and destructive way, it worked. She wasn’t thinking about Leo, about what they had but now, she trapped in the non-stop thought about what she was doing and there wasn’t an escape for that.

The more she thought about it, the more she realised that his advice being all she had to help her through this wasn’t the only reason she followed it. It also seemed to actually help Leo cope with everything he was going through. He was happy, he was in a good place and dealing with everything and he was doing that by following his own advice. She saw that when he was with Mishti and even earlier that day. She was barely holding it together and he was breezing through like nothing happened. He really was okay and a part of her believed that if he could take that advice and come out the other end in as good a place as he was than she should do the same. However, unlike Leo, she wasn’t okay and a part of her resented him for that. That she got sucked into his mentality of survival, that she got trapped in a nightmare where she was losing more and more of herself every day and he was fine. That his warped view of life and sex had screwed him up to the point where he wasn’t remotely damaged by continuing to behave that way and even encouraging others to do the same without any consideration of what it would do to them. She didn’t want to end up like Leo. She didn’t want to become someone who was so blasé about something like that that she could be instrumental in assisting another person in destroying their lives the way Leo had with her.

As she sat there, she realised she needed to talk to someone. Someone who could help her make sense of everything that was going through her mind. This was the first time in months that she was able to even think and see clearly but there was so much that she needed to work through and understand, especially how her perception had resulted in her remembering events differently than how they actually happened, particularly in regards to Leo. She pulled out her phone and dialled Sam’s number, placing the phone to her ear before her nerves got the better of her and she yelled out in horror, ending the call and slamming the phone down next to her as she took a deep breath and rested her head in her hands as a means of calming herself down. Sam, as much as she hadn’t wanted to admit it had been really helpful. He got the ball rolling and got her thinking about Leo and Nick and everything that had happened but right now, he was the last person she could talk to. She just couldn’t take the risk that he wouldn’t want to eventually delve further into the heart of the matter in order to help her and she realised she needed to find another way to deal with everything that was going on. As she sat there, she picked up her phone again and scrolled through until she found Gary’s number and called it, waiting for him to answer.

 _“Gary Canning’s phone.”_ Gary said cheerfully, almost completely out of breath.

 _“Hey.”_ Amy whispered.

 _“Hey. Are you okay? How was it?”_ Gary responded as his tone softened in concern.

 _“Yeah, it um… It’s about Leo, um…”_ Amy said, cutting herself off as she took multiple deep breaths and closed her eyes in an attempt to calm her nerves. 

_“I’m going to tell him, Gary. I’m going to tell him… everything.”_


	4. Watch Me Burn!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- make sure you've read the nezumi prelude before reading this chapter
> 
> \- this chapter is really, really long. i honestly didn't intend for that to happen but it kind of ended up being... you know how they say the story writes itself? well, that is basically what happened with this chapter. 
> 
> \- unlike other chapters, this one has been broken up into three acts. each quite long but all written in a way where you can either read it all at once or you can take a break in between them and then come back and finish the story. it works in both ways.
> 
> \- this chapter contains swearing
> 
> \- a lot happens in this chapter. both because it is the last chapter in this fic and because it sets up where the story is going next for amy, the characters referenced and those that show up in this chapter. 
> 
> \- i really want you all to trust me in regards to where this story, everyone's story is going. 
> 
> a final thing: i can't believe i have finally completed this fic and that the last chapter is finished after working on it for 3 months. i really loved writing this fic and more importantly, this chapter and i am so beyond proud of it and what i have managed to achieve and i hope you all love it as much as i do. xx

 “ANYTHING will burn with enough gasoline and dynamite.” 

**Robert A. Heinlein**

** Act 1 **

 

Amy sat on the bench, rocking back and forth and nervously biting and dragging her teeth along the bottom of her lip repeatedly as she held the phone against her ear and waited for Gary to answer. The moment she said she wanted to tell Leo everything, the line went dead. She couldn’t even hear him breathing. It wasn’t a shock. She hadn’t expected him to just brush it off and wish her luck but the lack of a response was starting to worry her and despite not wanting to push him, she needed to know where she stood and if she had his support sooner rather than later.

 _“Gary? Are you still there?”_ Amy asked softly as she started to close her eyes before jolting them open, upon hearing a deep breath on the other end of the line.

 _“Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I was, um…”_ Gary paused and then laughed, shaking his head in amusement. _“I must’ve misheard you because I… I thought you said you wanted to tell him *Everything*.”_

 _“You heard me correctly.”_ Amy whispered.

Gary responded in a panic. _“Amy…No! No, you cannot do this, okay? We agreed.”_

_“I know but…”_

_“NO BUTS! THIS IS – “_

Gary cut himself off mid-sentence, pausing to take several deep breaths and rubbing his forehead in frustration in an attempt to calm himself down and reduce his anger before continuing the conversation. He tried to maintain his composure and approach the situation with a level head but the reality of what Amy was saying and what it would mean for himself and her was getting the better of him and his concerns and desperation to stop her were overtaking his ability to support her in the way she might have needed him too.

 _“Sorry.”_ Gary said softly. _“It’s just… why? Of all people, why Leo? He would never be okay with this.”_

_“He might if he knew everything. Look, I know it’s a risk but what other choice do I have?”_

_“You have me. I’m here. Talk to me. I can help you.”_

_“You’re not enough anymore!”_ Amy stated harshly, closing her eyes, tightening her face as she instantly regretting her words.

 _“I’m sorry. It’s just that…”_ Amy laughed bitterly before looking around sadly. “ _You’re all I have. I don’t have anyone else – I don’t have anyone to talk to, anyone to hang out with, to have coffee with. I’m just…”_ Amy whispered, emotionless and overcome with disappointment as the reality of her situation became clearer. _“I’m alone. Everything I used to have is just, it’s… it’s gone now. It’s changed. I don’t know, I guess I’ve been realising it more and more lately but today – it just became clear that it wasn’t something I was imagining. It’s real. I am completely alone.”_

Gary asked through clenched teeth. _“Is this about Sam? Did he say something?”_

 _“Kind of but… No, it wasn’t him. Well, not just him.”_ Amy whispered sadly. _“You remember me telling you how Toadie was acting strange the other day? That something was up?_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Well, I saw him today and… it was exactly the same – or worse, I suppose, depending on how you look at it.”_ Amy chuckled as she continued whispering, now trying to mask the sound of her voice breaking up. “ _God, the look on his face when he saw me… he couldn’t even pretend he was happy to see me he just… he ran off as soon as he could and I’m…”_ Amy cleared her throat. _“You know what, I’m pretty sure it’s because of Sonya. She’s been avoiding me for months so I’m guessing she told him what happened and now… I mean, it would explain Steph too.”_

 _“Well, Steph’s had a lot going on lately – her kids and the wedding…”_ Gary said, attempting to reassure her.

Amy shook her head and cut Gary off before he could continue. _“No. That’s not it. I mean, maybe now but… No. Steph has been cold towards me for months. Things have just… they’ve changed, in more ways than one. With Elly too. Though, it’s a bit different with her, I do know that. She’s had so many of her own problems to deal with lately and I don’t expect her to be able to… I mean, she has enough to worry about, you know…”_

Amy took a deep breath, trying to think about something else only to find herself reminded of the other people she had become detached from over the months.

“ _…and Aaron as well but that’s… It’s… and I mean, don’t even get me started on David.”_ Amy waved her hand away in frustration.

 _“Amy…”_ Gary said softly.

 _“Even Jimmy doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s literally making stuff up now so he doesn’t to be near me.”_ Amy smiled, sadly, wiping a tear away from her eye as she covered the side of face with her hand and closed her eyes.

_“Oh, Amy. I’m sorry. I didn’t realise it was that bad. You never said anything.”_

_“It’s not exactly something you advertise, is it? And… even if things were better, it’s not like I could tell any of them about this and except for Leo, there’s really no one I can talk to about this. Well, aside from my dad, maybe but you wouldn’t want me talking to him about this either, would you?”_

_“Yeah, actually I would.”_ Gary stated firmly.

Amy rolled her eyes unamused. _“Very funny.”_

 _“No, I’m serious.”_ Gary spoke candidly _. “Sometimes the lesser of two evils is actually worse.”_

_“Gary…”_

_“Leo’s conscience could mean curtains for us and you don’t even seem to realise that.”_

Amy paused before responding in a whisper. _“…I do.”_

 _“Well, then… why?”_ Gary snapped back, confused. _“Why would you even want to do this? It’s so risky and it’s so sudden too. I…”_ Gary took a deep breath. _“I don’t understand.”_

 _“Because… Because I need this, okay?”_ Amy said loudly, as her voice broke up.

 _“I need this and I know I’m taking a huge risk. Leo could turn on me and… and that’ll be it. I’ll have lost everything but right now… talking to Sam…”_ Amy’s voice softened as Gary closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, trying to conceal his annoyance.

 _“There is so much happening inside my head right now and I can’t… I can’t think straight and it’s…”_ Amy took a deep breath to regain her composure before continuing slowly. _“You’ve been great, don’t get me wrong but Leo… there are things that only he would understand and I need to be able to talk to him about everything – what happened today and everything else without worrying I might slip up and cost me… us everything. If I can tell him the whole truth, it could really help me and I think it might be the best option I have right now. I know I’m not explaining this very well but…”_

Gary’s concerns were overriding everything Amy had said but, in a way, he understood where she was coming from and tried to approach the matter gently. _“No, it’s okay. I… I get it. I think. But why not wait? Just a few days – when you’re in a better headspace?”_

 _“Gary…”_ Amy rolled her eyes at his attempt to stop her.

 _“There’s no rush, okay?”_ Gary tried to reason with her. _“Look, why don’t you come over? Xanthe’s with Yashvi and mum’s out of town. I’ll make you a cup of tea and we can talk through what happened today and if you still want to talk to Leo then…”_ Gary continued reluctantly, through gritted teeth and forcing himself to say the words. “ _I’ll support you – hundred percent and… well, at least you’ll have thought through what you’re going to say first…”_

_“Gary…”_

_“…and that you’re making the right decision – for both of us.”_

_“Gary!”_ Amy called out.

Gary shook his head. _“I can’t talk you out of this, can I?”_

 _“No, you can’t.”_ Amy said while Gary breathed a sigh of defeat, holding his head in his hands.

_“Well, let me know how it turns out, okay?”_

_“I will and try not to worry too much, alright? I think everything’s going to be just fine.”_

_“Famous last words?”_ Gary asked cautiously.

_“I’ll call you.”_

Amy smiled gently as she hung up the phone and leaned over to the side, noticing that it had stopped raining. She stood up and took a deep breath before walking out of the gazebo and making her way along the bridge as she headed for Lassiters.

She understood where Gary was coming from. She was putting both of their lives on the line without any guarantee of a positive outcome. Opening up to Leo, telling him everything and hoping for the best was the equivalent of playing with fire and hoping you don’t get burnt but knowing it was more likely to happen than not. Leo was unpredictable especially where his conscience was concerned and it could all go wrong if he wasn’t willing to hear her out. Either way, she wanted to believe that everything would be okay – that if Leo knew everything, he would understand and would try and help her. That they could work through it together and he could fill in the gaps, the things she still couldn’t figure out for herself and he was the only person who could do any of that for her. The only option she had left and it was time he finally knew the truth.

She’d intended to talk to him as soon as it happened but she never got the chance so she decided it was best to wait for the right time but it never seemed to come and when it did, she couldn’t go through with it. Then Nick came along and everything changed in the blink of an eye. The anger and hatred she felt towards Leo had started to take hold of her and she could only see him as someone who hurt her and the truth became irrelevant. It wasn’t something she needed to put herself through nor did she feel he needed to know. At least at the time but everything was different now, in more ways than one. She was all over the place, struggling with the various realisations she was having, particularly where Leo was concerned and as they rose to the surface, she realized she needed to talk to him and tell him everything, things she couldn’t talk to anyone else about. Not even Gary and it dawned on her that there was deception and lies coming about from every angle. She was lying to everyone, even the person who was helping her and it was getting out of control. She couldn’t even remember everything she’d lied about or who she’d lied to but now, she had the chance to fix it and get her life back on track and she needed to take it before it was too late.

There was so much going on inside her mind and it was causing her head to spin. The way she’d behaved, the people she hurt and how she was now becoming like the rest of her family. Leo’s advice and what it had done to her, how she saw and felt about herself because of that advice, because of Leo and what he did to her by walking out on her. The kind of person Nick and Sam saw her as and the amount of people in her life who didn’t care about her, who weren’t interested in her or her well-being and ignored her very existence and on top of that, her confusion about whether she was right about Leo or if she had just remembered everything wrong. There was so much push and pull, it felt like her mind was going to explode as every thought was pilling on top of one another, making it harder to process everything and questioning if pieces of her memory had been distorted and if she even knew what was or wasn’t real. She realised there was no time to waste. She needed to talk to Leo and get everything out in the open before it got worse and so that everything could fall back in place, where it should be and Leo could help her do that.

Making her way through the complex, she slowed down when she noticed Leo appear on the other side, stopping briefly as he leant on the corner of Harolds, his right arm pressed against the edge and preventing his head from touching the building. He was breathing heavily and rapidly and suddenly clutched his hand over his mouth as to stop himself from throwing up. Looking around, he continued walking, getting faster as he moved through the complex, tightening his hands into a fist and hitting them against his upper legs violently.

As she watched him, she took a deep breath and closed her eyes, whispering to herself as she smiled. _“Don’t worry, Amy. It’s all gonna be okay.”_

_“LEO?”_

Amy called out, as she started to run after Leo, trying to avoid bumping into the many people walking around and through the complex. Running faster and faster as she saw Leo headed into Lassiters until she was standing directly behind him.

 _“Leo?”_ Amy said softly, placing her hand gently on his right shoulder and causing him to him around suddenly and lunging at her.

 _“AH!”_ Amy screamed out, jumping back.

 _“S… Sorry. I’m sorry.”_  

Leo’s eyes widened in horror as he stumbled back, distancing himself from Amy until he was leaning against the wall, breathing heavily as he put his head down and covered his forehead with his hand as Amy stood there watching him. As the initial shock surpassed, her breathing rapidly increased and she held her chest, pressing tightly in an attempt to calm her nerves and regulate her breathing as Leo looked up at her.

Amy asked between breaths. _“No, that’s… are… are you… are you okay?”_

_“Um… I…”_

Leo whispered under his breath, attempting to answer before shaking his head and slowly moving towards the entrance as Amy ran up to him, holding onto his arm gently to stop him from leaving. She’d attempted to call out but was distracted when she was up close and able to look directly into Leo’s eyes. They were bloodshot and glazed over. His skin was cold to the touch and he was exceptionally pale and sweating so much that it seeped through, soaking his hair and clothes.

 _“Um, I-I-I-I-I-I…”_ Amy stuttered, looking around before letting go of Leo and taking a step back as she held her hands in a fist, shaking them in front of her before crossing her arms and grabbing hold of her shoulders to comfort herself. _“I, um… I… I need to talk… I-I need to talk to you.”_

Leo opened and closed his mouth several times before whispering. _“Now?”_

 _“It’s really, really important.”_ Amy smiled faintly.

 _“No!”_ Leo shook his head anxiously and stared at Amy without blinking as her eyes slowly widened in horror and she took a step back.

 _“Amy… now is… I can’t. I just… I can’t do it, okay? It… it needs to wait, okay? YOU…”_ Leo’s voice got louder as his breathing rapidly increased and he gestured at Amy, shaking his hands once forcefully to keep her at a distance and closing his eyes as he whispered. “you _need to wait!”_

_“It… No, IT CAN’T! I…”_

Amy screamed out, her voice breaking up as her eyes widened even further and she started crying and struggling to get her words out coherently and almost lunging at Leo, who’s eyes jolted open and he quickly took a step back. Leo stood there, shaking his head as Amy suddenly and violently grabbed hold of his hands, which he was still holding out in front of him, as hers started to shake uncontrollably. Startling him as she lost her composure and nearly her balance and held onto him as she sobbed and alternated between screaming, stuttering and begging for help.

_“Please, Leo. PLEASE! I… I… you just, I need you. I REALLY NEED THIS, okay? I-I-I-I need to talk to you. It’s important, okay? Something… I just… I-I-I can’t… You have to help me! Please? PLEASE HELP ME! PLEASE, LEO! Please… I – I can’t do this… It’s too- I just need you to help ME! Leo – “_

_“OKAY! Okay.”_ Leo yelled out, cutting her off, reluctantly agreeing out of concern for her well-being and what saying no would mean for her in her current state.

 _“Thank you.”_ Amy looked at him, still crying and taking short quick breaths before letting out a sigh of relief and gently smiling as Leo looked her apprehensively, nodding. Amy realised she was still holding onto his hands and let go immediately, looking around uncomfortably as she rubbed the tears away from her eyes.

_“S-sorry. Um… can… can… can we go to the gazebo? I-I-I just want to talk somewhere… privately.”_

_“Sure.”_

Leo whispered, under his breath as he brushed past Amy and started walking before turning around, to find Amy still standing in front of the entrance. She was motionless, looking into Lassiters as her eyes filled with panic and confusion and she started breathing heavily before she felt a hand on her arm, gently turning her around.

 _“Amy? Are you coming?”_ Leo asked softly, catching Amy’s attention and snapping her out of her state as she put on a fake smile and nodded as she started to walk and Leo continued alongside her.

Walking side by side and in total silence, they slowly made their way through the complex and then the park, heading towards the gazebo. Both of them looking directly ahead and avoiding making eye contact. Leo was still in a daze, his eyes half opened and alternating between staring off into the distance and looking at the ground while taking long, deep breaths and exhaling so slowly it was as if he was in slow motion. Amy was keeping her distance for Leo to the point where at least two people could have fit in between them and occasionally looking at him nervously, smiling through gritted teeth, tilting her head to see if he noticed her before looking ahead, at where she was walking.

She was trying to make sense of what happened earlier. That rapid change in her emotions, the way she was overcome by them and almost turned into a hysterical, sobbing mess. It had startled her as much as it had startled Leo and she had no idea where it came from but it left her concerned. She knew she’d wanted to talk to Leo, to get everything out in the open and deal with her problems once and for all and that she was worried about waiting any longer in case it was too late and things got even worse. The moment Leo said no, that it had to wait – she fell to pieces in a split second. Talking to him was important to her but she hadn’t thought it was that important that she couldn’t have handled his rejection but there was an overriding sense of fear that came with that and it frightened her. Not only because of how desperate she was for his help but what would have happened if hadn’t agreed and just walked away – that was what scared her the most.

They continued walking until they reached the gazebo. Leo walked inside as Amy stood still on the end of the bridge watching him as he walked over and held onto the arm rest as he sat down, leaning against the side before turning to look at her, tilting his head as she smiled and walked into the gazebo. Walking straight past him and towards the pillar as she stopped and leaned against it.

 _“Are you okay?”_ Leo asked, squinting and tilting his head.

 _“Um… Okay.”_ Amy whispered to herself before clearing her throat to address Leo. _“Look, I’m going to try and say this as best as I can and it’s… I don’t know, it might not make much sense but I just… I really need you to hear me out, alright?”_ Amy turned to look at Leo as he gave a faint smile and nodded as she smiled back.

_“So, earlier today I, um… I was talking to Sam and he said some things about…”_

_“Who’s Sam?”_ Leo asked, cutting her off.

 _“Oh, he’s a… a friend of Toadie’s.”_ Amy smiled half-heartedly as she turned away from him so she didn’t have to face him. Taking several deep breaths and nodding her head repeatedly to prepare herself for what she was about to say next.

 _“He um… he said some things about you and me and it really got me thinking and wondering if maybe he was right. You see, he, um… he talked about…”_ Amy bit her upper lip. “ _about anger and that it can, um… it can distort your perception and that you can, I guess see things in a way that is more about trying to survive than remembering and dealing with what actually happened and… he thought that was what happened with me – with us.”_ Amy started breathing heavily, slowing herself down as she talked but also feeling light headed as her nerves and weight of her words started to get to her. _“That, I was looking at things in a way that would make me feel better even though, well… it actually made me feel worse but the point is that I think, maybe I used that – what I was thinking and feeling to…”_

Amy whispered, sadly. _“…to blame you. I suppose.”_

 _“You see, I lied about Nick – about why we broke up. You see, we, um… he dumped me,”_ Amy’s eyes started to tear up and she nodded her head repeatedly. _“he dumped me because he thought and Sam thought too that I was, um… that I was using him to hurt you.”_ Amy wiped the tears away from cheek as her voice broke up. _“I’ve done things. Things I’m not proud of but… I really don’t think that was one of them but Sam saying it… I guess it reminded me of everything that happened with Nick and how I felt towards you because of that and I realised… I’ve been struggling with this more than I thought I was.”_

Amy turned around to face Leo, who was looking at the ground and she closed her eyes for a minute before taking a deep breath in order to regain her composure and walking over and sitting on the bench opposite him, leaning forward.

 _“When you walked out on me last year… you broke my heart. That… that moment, it…”_ Amy was overcome by her emotions and her lips begun to quiver as she said the words out loud. “ _it broke me._ ” Whispering and closing her eyes as a single tear fell down her right cheek. “ _And… I was so sure that you didn’t care about me. That you never cared about me and I was… I was so angry and somewhere along the line I… I don’t know, I guess, maybe it was easier to believe it was true. I mean, I don’t really know for sure if it is or isn’t because… well, we haven’t really talked, not properly since that day and talking to Sam, it just made me start to question everything and it made me wonder if things had actually become dis-distorted.”_ Amy said sadly.

_“So, I’m not really sure if it’s real because there is… there’s so much I can’t actually remember. Or I’m just remembering it all wrong, I don’t even know anymore. It’s like my mind is all over the place and I just… you know, I was so sure that I was right and then… I didn’t even think about it before today but now… I guess… it was easier to believe you didn’t care because I… I didn’t matter to you and that everything was your fault. I mean, a lot of it was but… maybe, maybe not everything. But feeling that way just… it really helped me – especially after Nick.”_

_“Everything changed that day – the moment that I thought you set out to take him away from me, that you could hurt me that way and not even care… I was… I was so angry and upset but it was… different. I don’t… I can’t actually remember feeling this way before then.  I mean, I remember… I remember hurting and being really upset and feeling like I was…”_

Amy looked down at her feet and whispered to hide the pain in her voice. _“like I was dying but…”_ she cleared her throat and regained her composure as best as she could. _“it didn’t feel like this and I can’t really describe it but I guess, hating you and wanting to hurt you and believing you never cared about me, it was just…”_ Amy smiled, before being overcome with realisation and disappointment. _“comforting. It was something I needed to get me through so I didn’t think about it – about any of it. So, I didn’t have to deal with anything but now… today just made me realise I really want my life back. I want things back to normal or at least as close as they can get.”_

 _“Sam just… he got me thinking and I’ve had a lot of realisations over the last couple of hours and one of the things I realised was that I needed to get all of this out in the open and I thought that… if that happens, maybe I could work out why I feel this way and if it has anything to do with… what specifically it’s about and that maybe you could help me do that since… well, it’s about you too. And, maybe you could help me get back to the person because I actually miss being able to talk to you.”_ Amy looked up at Leo and smiled gently before her composure dropped and she tensed up and closed her eyes to avoid looking at him.

 _“The reason I’m telling you all of this is because… Look, I need you to understand as… as best as you can and I mean, maybe if you do, you’ll get why I’ve been acting the way I have but…”_ Amy stopped and covered her mouth before taking several deep breath, tapping her foot on the ground as her voice started to break up again. _“Okay. The thing is that… I want to go back and talk to Sam, I… I… I need to go back but there’s something I need to tell you first. You see… something… Oh, my God! Oh, my God!”_

Amy gripped her chest as she struggled to breathe and tried to get through those words as fast as she could without thinking about what she was going to say.

_“Something happened and… I mean, at the time I didn’t really think much about it. I just felt… there was nothing there, like it wasn’t really happening or I was okay with it, I’m not sure actually but it was… I was just all over the place. It was like everything was changing and… I was so angry and… and worried and scared and it stopped me from really having the time to deal with it but that’s going away now and that’s why I needed to talk to you about this, before it was too late. This is… you need to know the truth about all of it and I just… Leo, I really need you to understand that…”_

Amy looked up at Leo who was staring into the distance. She turned and looked in that direction before looking at him. Her eyes tensing up until they were half open and she whispered under her breath. _“that I was trying to protect… to protect…”_

_“Leo? Are you listening to me?”_

Amy asked loudly as her breathing got heavier and she stood up and walked towards Leo, standing over him and catching his attention as he looked up, blinking multiple times as he stared at her and leaned back.

“ _What?”_ Leo said in a daze as tears started to form in Amy’s eyes and she took a step back and he looked over to the side and pointed. “ _Sorry. I… I was…”_

 _“Forget it.”_ She whispered under her breath. _“Just… JUST FORGET IT.”_

Amy yelled out, as she started to cry and held her hand over her mouth. She stood there, staring at Leo in disbelief for a minute, trying to understand what happened and upon realising she couldn’t, shook her head and walked away as Leo, snapped out of his daze and called out to her.

_“Amy? Amy, wait!”_

 

** ACT 2 **

 

 _“Hey. Hey, Shane. Can you come over here?_  

Amy called out to the Shane, waving him over as he turned to walk towards her and she continuing to drink her fourth beer, sculling it and then slamming it down on the bar as she pointed to the bottle, smiling.

_“Can I get another one?”_

_“Um… Don’t you think you’ve, maybe had enough? It might be time to go home.”_ Shane asked delicately as Amy’s smile turned sour.

_“NO! I’m fine and I didn’t ASK for your opinion so just... Just keep them coming, okay?”_

She smiled at him unimpressed as he placed a freshly opened bottle of beer in front of her and she immediately started drinking it as fast as she could to drown out her invasive thoughts and her increasing anger. Both of which were getting worse and worse until all she wanted to do was break down and scream and cry until she felt better – until there was no pain left inside of her. Everything was a mess and it made finding a way to deal with it even harder because she couldn’t make sense of what she was thinking or feeling and despite how intense it was, she didn’t know if she was actually angry or just upset.

On the one hand, she was thinking about Leo. About the way he was acting and that something appeared to be wrong – whether he was sick or something had happened, she couldn’t be sure of it but it was obvious he wasn’t in a good way. He was barely able to stand up right and the look in his eyes and his appearance just demonstrated how out of it he was. If she didn’t know better, she’d have thought he was on drugs especially given the way he dissociated from her and his surroundings. On the other hand, Leo’s behaviour just confirmed what she already felt and it reminded her of who he was. That if she’d waited, like Gary suggested and caught him on a different day and he wasn’t in this state, the outcome would be exactly the same because he simply didn’t care.  He wouldn’t have been interested in what she had to say or what she was going through and how much she was struggling and needed his help in working through everything.

Both situations made her equally upset and angry – with Leo and with herself. She couldn’t stop thinking about the fact she hadn’t considered that Leo wasn’t in the best state of mind to be dealing with her and what she needed from him. She was so desperate to get everything out in the open, to make sense of what was going on in her mind that she didn’t consider if it really was the best time to do that and if she had been more focused on the situation than on herself, the outcome could have been different. But thinking about that also made her angry because now she was blaming herself for what happened – for what Leo had failed to do and she couldn’t even be sure if it was actually her fault. Leo could have stuck to his guns and walked away. He could have just not given in especially if he knew he couldn’t support her in the way she needed him too and yet, he still put her through that. He knew he wasn’t in the position to handle it and that knowledge, the reality of the situation confused and angered and devastated her because she didn’t have to end up in that situation. But she listened to the wrong people, let the wrong people in and now everything was mess.

Knowing what she’d been put through. What she’d put herself through. That her beliefs, suspicions and her fears had been questioned and dissected, poked and prodded until she doubted everything that she once believed so vehemently to be true. She doubted herself, her memory and her feelings and for what? It was all for nothing. She was back where she started. Letting another person in, letting her guard down when she knew deep down it wasn’t in her best interest and how easily she could get hurt. Except this time, it wasn’t Leo or Gary or anyone she knew that she could find a way to justify or understand her behaviour, it was Sam – a complete stranger. She’d let him in, allowed herself to be completely vulnerable with him and started to see herself differently because of his words and even considered that he might have been right. Despite knowing what happened when she let anyone in, the amount of damage it would do to her, that they could do to her, she still ended up in the same situation that she always did.

This time, it felt different. Worse than it had ever been before because she’d put herself in this situation, despite knowing better. She’d allowed herself to be questioned to the point of almost throwing her entire life away under the guise that she would be better off if she opened herself up to someone. As relieved as she was that she hadn’t taken that risk, that she hadn’t put her life on the line she was still furious with herself mainly for being in that position in the first place. Nothing good was ever going to come from this and she knew that and now, it was like she was being ripped to shreds. Her life, her mind, her sanity all felt like they were on the verge of collapsing into an abyss and there was no escape. She was just watching her own destruction helplessly and unable to do anything about it as its hold on her got stronger. Like a vice, tightening its grip on her until she couldn’t break free and hated everyone and everything that got her to that point.

 _“Amy?”_ Gary called out, as Amy looked up and saw him running towards her as fast as he could, stopping as he leaned against the bar in front of her.

Amy breathed a sigh of frustration. _“Oh, hi.”_

 _“Hi? What? That’s it?”_ Gary asked, confused. _“What happened with Leo? You were supposed to call me. It’s been over an hour.”_

 _“Oh, right. Sorry. I, um… I forgot.”_ Amy whispered.

_“Well…”_

_“I didn’t tell him.”_

_“You didn’t… Did something happen? Are you okay?”_ Gary asked softly as he edged closer to Amy, looking around to make sure no one was close by to hear them.

Amy snapped back. _“I don’t want to talk about it, okay?”_

 _“Okay. I’m just worried, that’s all.”_ Gary asked concerned.

 _“Worried?”_ Amy laughed bitterly. “ _About me or about yourself?”_

Amy’s expression turned cold and she looked at him in anger, picking up another bottle and holding it in front of her as Gary leaned back and watched her intently.

_“Because, I didn’t actually ask for your help. From what I can remember, you just PUSHED your way into my life. You should have just… it would have been better for both of us if you STAYED OUT OF IT! My life would be better off without you in it.”_

_“I was trying to help and keep your voice down.”_ Gary stated firmly and softly, turning around to see if anyone was looking at them.

 _“You call that helping, do you? YOU TOLD ME…”_ Amy yelled before Gary cut her off, grabbing the bottle of beer out of her hand and slamming it on the bar, causing her to jump.

 _“I told you NOT to go and see Sam!”_ Gary whispered angrily, leaning in until he was but a few inches away from her face. _“That it was a bad idea and Toadie didn’t know what he was talking about and it would make everything worse and look at you…”_ Gary gestured at Amy and at the bottles on the bar in front of her.

“ _It has – this just caused more problems for both of us because it is about both of us.”_

Amy shook her head, as tears started to form in her eyes. _“No. You’re just trying to protect yourself!”_

 _“And what if I am?”_ Gary questioned coldly as Amy looked down, uncertain of how to react. _“So, what? This is about me too; Amy and you’re not going to drag me down with you because you can’t handle your guilt or whatever the hell this suddenly is so…”_ Gary whispered and leaned down. “ _you need to get your act together! Before you screw us both over.”_

Gary went to walk away before turning around and walking back in front of Amy. _“…and for the record, you didn’t have to listen to me. Take some responsibility!”_

Gary walked away and over to Toadie, who was sitting on the couch and staring at the door, leaning back and forth as people slowly moved in front of it. Gary sat down next to him and the anger that took hold only moments ago seemed to have completely disappeared as Toadie turned around to face him and he smiled and they talked as Amy watched them, with tears in her eyes.

For months, Gary was the only person she had in her life – the only person who didn’t leave her. He supported her and listened, no matter how bad things got or what was happening in his own life. He was always there for there and always ready to jump in and fix any situation, in any way he could. As grateful as she was, a part of her also resented him for it. There had been so many instances over the last few months where she had wanted to stop lying, stop pretending and just open up and talk to someone but every time she felt that way, Gary slipped back into her mind. He went from being a friend to a support system to a constant reminder that she had to keep quiet. That this wasn’t just about her anymore and she now had to protect him too and because of that, she couldn’t say anything to anyone and it made her feel conflicted. She didn’t want to have to worry about Gary, to have his life in her hands and right now she was just wishing Gary had stayed out of it, that he had just left her to deal with everything alone because it would have been easier but the other part of her, was angry at all the people who did exactly that. The people who ignored her and who never cared enough to even bother checking to see if she was okay. Now, she didn’t know which one she actually wanted because both options hurt her in an unimaginable way. Something that was made even more clear as she looked around The Waterhole.

They were all there. People she’d once lived with, her friends, acquaintances and even the ones she loved – all of them, people she had once helped and supported through their worst days and all just there, in front of her just acting like she didn’t exist. Making her feel more invisible by the minute. Toadie and Gary, sitting on the couch, talking and laughing while Toadie continued to stare over at the door and Gary avoided eye contact with her at every opportunity; Karl, Susan, Elly and Bea huddled together as Susan and Bea ate dinner and Elly and Karl were smiling and laughing as he opened presents; and Chloe, Mishti and Magdalena were playing pool and drinking. So many people and yet none of them even noticed her she was there and it brought it home just how disconnected she had become from all of them. That she wasn’t someone they wanted to associate with anymore.

As she continued to look around the bar, with every person she noticed she picked up the bottle of beer and took another sip in an attempt to drown out how overwhelming seeing them made her feel. Looking up, she spotted Shane at the end of the bar, squinting and leaning in to get a better look at him as he turned and smiled awkwardly as he held the phone to his ear and quickly disappeared into the backroom as Amy looked on in confusion. Shaking her head and finishing her drink as she heard footsteps approaching her.

 _"It must really hurt,”_ Tim laughed, appearing from behind her as Amy let out a sigh in annoyance, covering her face with her hand.

 _“Sitting here… all alone while everyone has someone and just pretends, you’re not here.”_ Tim tilted his head back as he held his chin with his thumb and index finger, as he talked to himself.  “ _I wonder if it’s because of Leo?”_ Catching Amy’s attention as she looked up at him, anger filling her eyes as he turned to look at her, smiling. “ _Maybe they just like him better than you. I mean, I don’t get it – though, it’s not like you’re all that great either but you never know with other people, especially this lot. They are more his friends now though, aren’t they? They’re not really yours – not anymore.”_

 _“Leave me alone, Tim. I’m not in the mood to be dealing with… you!”_ Amy said through gritted teeth, disgusted and irritated as she tried to keep her emotions in check so he didn’t see he was getting to her.

 _“I’m just making an observation. Leo is just… he’s so supportive and caring, isn’t he? Well, with them anyway and yet with you…”_ Tim looked at Amy condescendingly. _“well, I saw you two earlier, didn’t look like he cared all that much about you or what you had to say, really. He just keeps throwing you to the wolves every chance he gets, doesn’t he? Just… letting you rot. I mean, look at you now… it’s such a shame and it’s starting to show too.”_

 _“How dare you?”_ Amy responded angrily, her eyes filling with tears as Tim continued to find the situation amusing.

_“Oh, come on, Amy. How long are you going to keep deluding yourself about him, hm? He doesn’t care about you.”_

Tim laughed and walked away, as Amy blinked repeatedly to clear her eyes and bit her bottom lip. Tim never needed a reason to hurt someone. It was in his nature to find people’s sore spots and throw their pain back in their faces to mess with them so she tried not to think about his words but it was hard not to. Not only because he treated her pain like a joke but because coming from him, she couldn’t be sure if he was saying it because he was trying to hurt her or because he saw the situation for what it was and used that to hurt her. She looked up to see him headed towards the door just as Leo walked through, catching her attention as she leaned back. As Tim passed Leo, he turned to smile at her, pointing smugly at Leo from behind before leaving.  

Leo stood in front of the door, looking around The Waterhole, before shaking his head and taking several steps backwards just as Sonya walked in, crashing into her and almost knocking her into the wall. Leo grabbed hold of Sonya’s arms tightly to keep her upright and stared at her as she tried to get her breath back. Holding her chest and waving off Leo’s concerns and smiled at him, before walking over to Toadie and Gary and looking over at Amy, smiling and waving as Amy turned away and looked back over to Leo, who stook a step back and stood in the shadows, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes as he held his head in his hands.

_“Are you okay?”_

Elly asked, approaching Leo as he looked up, took a deep breath and nodded, smiling at her faintly before lowering his head as Elly slowly edged closer to him and placed her hand on the side of his left arm, rubbing it softly. Watching Elly’s face, her behaviour and how concerned she appeared to be, it was obvious that she noticed something was instantly wrong with Leo and witnessing that – watching that concern and comfort happening right in front of her made her blood boil over.

 _“It’s always about Leo, isn’t?!”_ Amy clenched her teeth as she made a fist with her right hand, her nails, albeit short digging into her palms as she continued talking bitterly about Leo.

 _“Everyone is always worried about Leo. Everyone needs to protect Leo. Poor Leo.”_ Amy’s bitterness got the best of her and she slammed her fist down on the bar as she looked up, continuing to watch him. _“Bastard! What does he even need protection for? This is all his fault! The heartless, selfish git. He should have just kept his mouth shut! God, why doesn’t he just walk in front of car?! We’d all be better off without him.”_ Amy snapped back, loudly as she clutched her hand over mouth tightly to drown out the sound of her crying as she realised what she’d just said.

 _“Amy… Hi.”_ Sonya called out softly from a distance, making her way over to Amy and smiling gently as she stood in front her. _“Are you… are you okay? Shane – “_

_“SO, YOU CARE NOW, DO YOU?”_

Amy screamed in anger, slamming her hands violently on the bar. Startling Sonya and drawing attention to herself as those within the bar stopped and turned to look at her as she attempted to stand up quickly and lost her balance, knocking the stool she was sitting on over, falling to the ground.

Sonya jumped forward, grabbing hold of Amy’s hand as she lay on the ground and trying to help her up as Amy struggled to her knees before pushing Sonya away violently. _“Stop… I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP!”_

_“This is… you told him what happened, didn’t you?”_

Amy rubbed the tears away from her eyes and pointed aggressively at Toadie who was slowly walking towards her, looking over at Sonya, confused as she closed her eyes and shook her head before turning back to look at Amy. Still struggling to regain her balance, Amy held onto a piece of the bar and pulled herself up, standing up so fast that she almost fell down again and quickly turning to lean against the bar to keep herself up right.

 _“Amy…”_ Sonya whispered, looking at her concerned and gently taking a step forward but being cut off before she could continue talking.

_“I thought you were my friend. That of all people, you would forgive me. God! You really are just a spiteful BITCH, aren’t you?”_

Toadie called out, loudly and angrily. _“How dare…”_

 _“Jarrod… don’t…“ Sonya_ whispered, shaking her head as a means of discouraging him from getting involved.

“ _All your… preaching about second chances, that… that people make mistakes but you don’t really mean that, any of that, do you? I mean, why…”_ Amy said sadly, staring at Sonya who took a deep breath before as she tilted her head and she looked at her without an ounce of expression on her face.

 _“Oh, my God!”_ Amy shook her head, gently biting her lip and started giggling as she covered her face with both hands before wiping them away and taking a deep breath to regain her composure as she attempted to comprehend her realisations.

_“I made a mistake, Sonya and it’s not like you’re perfect either but people still try to help you, they still care about I… I still care about you. I was there for you. I helped you and looked after you and Nell and Toadie and this… you just couldn’t return the favour, could you? All because I didn’t help you once… Once! it was one time and I know I should have and now… what? You just decided I don’t matter anymore? That if you’re not always there for someone then you’re just not worth caring about anymore?”_

Amy’s breathing got heavier and she huffed, as though she was about to start crying again but instead, she was overcome with despair and she closed her eyes and looked down as silence continued to fill the bar and everyone looked at her. Sonya stood there, putting her arms out in front of her for a second, as if to give Amy a hug before lowering them and deciding against it. She looked back at the door and attempted to turn around and leave as Toadie stepped forward and Sonya looked at him in horror, grabbing his arm to stop him.

 _“It’s not Sonya’s fault you feel this way.”_ Toadie said before Amy looked up at Toadie, her sadness disappearing as a look of hatred instantly formed in her eyes.

 _“AND YOU…”_ Amy lunged towards Toadie, pointing at him as he jumped backwards.

_“You’re the same as everyone else, aren’t you? You can’t even pretend to care about me, even a little bit. We were friends once and now… I’m just… I’m nothing to you, to ANY OF YOU!”_

Amy screamed out at everyone in the bar before turning her attention to Toadie, who was looking at Sonya, as she bit her bottom lip and had her head down and eyes closed as she held her forehead before looking up at Shane who breathed a heavy sigh and turned around and walked away.

 _“You were never like this.”_ Amy said sadly before looking angrily at Sonya, catching her attention as she turned to look at her, wariness filling her eyes. _“It was her… she did this to you. She just… being with her really just screwed you up.”_ Amy laughed bitterly. “ _It’s not like there is even anything there anymore and you’re just… Did you even think about what you were saying to me? Hm?”_ Amy’s eyes widened as she tilted her head, put on a fake smile and waited for Toadie to answer. _“How you made me feel? That’s because of her.”_

Amy stated, edging closer to Toadie as he opened and then closed his mouth without saying anything as he tried to make sense of what Amy was talking about, making Amy even angrier at his lack of response and acknowledgment of her words.

 _“Hasn’t she hurt you enough? It’s like… it’s… it’s like you haven’t learnt ANYTHING. She is the reason you’re like this. Why you are the way you now.  How can you not see that? You LET YOUR GUARD DOWN,”_ Amy screamed before whispering softly. “Y _ou let her in and now you’re just… I mean…”_ Amy gestured at Toadie, disgusted and screamed frustrated as he stood there, shocked and motionless. _“God! LOOK AT YOURSELF. THERE’S NOTHING THERE! You’re just a shell now. You’re not even a real person anymore and she…”_ Amy pointed at Sonya, who was watching intently as sadness filled her eyes. “S _he did that to you just like Leo did that to me! What are you now – it’s just… you’re despicable! Why didn’t you drive her off the cliff instead? She’s… Whatever. I don’t even care. If you want to destroy yourself, be my guest.”_

Amy waved her hands in the air in annoyance, snickering and walking off as Toadie started crying, looking to Sonya as he started breathing so heavily, he sounded like he was going to choke. Sonya ran up to him, putting her arms around him and holding onto him as she closed her eyes. Amy headed towards the door as people moved out of the way.

 _“Amy…”_ Leo whispered, gently grabbing hold of her arm to stop her as she brushed past him.

 _“DON’T TOUCH ME!”_ Amy screamed out, reacting quickly and pushing him away aggressively as Leo looked at her, startled as she started crying, her eyes and face tightening and she clutched her hand over her mouth.

 _“Haven’t you done ENOUGH?”_ Amy asked, bitterly through clenched teeth as Leo looked on. _“I just meant so little to you, didn’t I?”_ Amy whispered. _“You just don’t… you can’t even pretend that you care about me. THAT YOU EVER CARED ABOUT ME! You just stood there and you watched my life fall to pieces – you WATCHED ME BURN AND YOU DID NOTHING TO HELP ME! NOTHING TO SAVE ME! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, YOU SELFISH BASTARD!”_

Amy shrieked, crying hysterically as her eyes filled with hatred and her face becoming more and more red the angrier, she got.

 _“You… you were all “I’m in love with you” and… and… “all I could think about was you” and trying to kiss me – that was after finding out he was my brother, by the way…”_ Amy addressed the room, deliberately calling attention to herself and Leo as people looked away and looked down in order to avoid watching the situation.

 _“… and then all of a sudden,”_ Amy whispered, gently before she was overcome with pure rage and she lunged at Leo and getting closer and closer as he backed away. “ _It was FUCK OFF OUT OF MY LIFE, AMY! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU! GOD! YOU JUST KEEP DESTROYING MY LIFE! YOU KEEP TAKING EVERYTHING AWAY FROM ME AND HURTING ME AND AFTER WHAT I DID FOR YOU! AFTER EVERYTHING I DID TO PROTECT YOU!”_

Amy screamed at the top of her lungs, inhaling so rapidly that she stopped breathing for a moment. Her eyes widening in horror at her words as she let out a primal scream, as though her mind was rebelling against her and she pulled on her hair violently as she continued crying loudly and hysterically. Suddenly, she grabbed hold of her throat as she started breathing at a pace that was so fast, she was on the verge of hyperventilating and almost lost her balance as Leo, who was still standing in front of her in shock, with tears slowly filling his eyes and being overcome with regret at seeing her in so much pain quickly stepped forward to hold onto her, to stop her from falling and snapping Amy back into reality.

Amy took a step backwards to avoid Leo touching her and looked around at the silent room. Everyone was either looking down, had their backs to her or their hands covering their faces before turning her attention to Gary. He was standing in the background, finishing his drink before putting it down on one of the tables aggressively and walked away in the opposite direction avoiding all eye contact with Amy who stood there sadly, trying to contemplate what had just happened, taking a step back before running out the door. Leo watched on, unsure of what to do as he turned around to look at Elly, who was looking at him sadly before running towards the door and going after Amy.

 

** ACT 3 **

 

Amy sat on the cold, hard ground, leaning against the bench, her eyes closed and her legs stretched out in front of her and her hands resting on the ground on both sides of her. She hadn’t intended to run to the gazebo but after everything that happened, both throughout the day and at The Waterhole, it felt like the only place she could be alone. The only place where she wouldn’t have to talk to or face anyone, especially after dark.

Everything was a mess – even worse than before, if that was even possible. It was as though her entire life imploded in a split second. Everything just fell apart in front of her eyes and she didn’t even know what happened. She’d completely lost all control the moment Sonya, Toadie and Leo all approached her, as though everything came crashing down at once. She was on an emotional roller-coaster all day and it all came to a head at the same time. Like she’d been broken down and torn to shreds and now, for the first time in months she felt absolutely nothing. As though she was drained of every emotion and every feeling she had. That those feelings of anger, of hatred and sadness, bitterness and desperation had been ripped straight out of her and all that was left was emptiness.

She opened her eyes as the sound of footsteps on the bridge, getting louder and louder caught her attention and alerted her that someone was approaching. As she turned in the direction of the footsteps, she saw Leo slowly walking along the path and continued until he was standing at the entrance. He stood there for a moment, taking a deep breath and tapping his fingers on the pillar before walking towards the bench opposite Amy, who was following him with her eyes as he sat down on the ground and looked directly into her eyes.

 _“I’m sorry.”_ Leo said delicately as Amy looked at him for a moment before turning away and gazing off into the distance.

 _“You know, before I met you… the person I was… I liked that person. Some people thought she wasn’t… enough, maybe, that she needed to change, but she was nice and kind and now… that person doesn’t exist anymore.”_ Amy said softly and slowly, her voice and her eyes completely devoid of any emotion and becoming more detached the longer she spoke.

 _“She’s dead! There’s nothing there anymore except… a shadow, a reminder of what I was once, a long time ago. Of what I can never go back to, that I can never be her again and that I’m just forced to live with… this… this thing who’s sick and horrible and just… not worth anything and who no one even cares about and that’s because of you…”_ Amy turned to look Leo in the eyes. _“you stole her from me. You did this to me and it hurts.”_ Her eyes momentarily softening and she whispered. _“It hurts so much and it won’t go away._

 _You know,”_ Amy cleared her throat as her eyes turned cold. _“I can barely make it from one day to the next and that… you did that. All you had to do was be there and care about me and listen and instead… You turned me into someone I hate, you told me to destroy myself, who I was because it worked for you. Your survival killed me and I will never forgive you for that. So, tell me what exactly are you sorry for?”_

Leo’s eyes widened and he looked at Amy sadly, trying to find the words to reassure her. _“Amy, I… I do care about you. That never stopped.”_

 _“Really?”_ Amy questioned.

 _“Yes.”_ Leo said sincerely, leaning in as Amy looked up, into his eyes.

 _“You left me.”_ Amy responded coldly.

Leo’s eyes widened in confusion, leaning back. _“What?”_

_“You left me. I was alone and I was hurting and no one was there for me. No one understood what I was going through, they just expected me to get over it. You were the only one who knew what I was feeling and you… you just left me alone to deal with this by myself, to pick up the pieces and rebuild everything because you just… you didn’t care about me.”_

_“I didn’t know what else to do. Elly said it was…”_

_“Elly?”_ Amy whispered under her breath, looking up Leo as the coldness in her eyes slowly started to disappear.

 _“…best to cut ties. That we’d both be better off on our own. That it was the best thing for me… and you. That it would help both of us move forward and I believed that. I thought I was doing the right thing. That it was my only option but…”_ Leo said reassuringly, smiling gently as he titled his head. _“I do care about you, Amy. A lot of people do.”_.  

 _“How can you say that?”_ Amy questioned, trying to maintain her composure all the while feeling insulted by the insinuation. “ _You didn’t even listen to me.”_

 _“Amy…”_ Leo took a deep breath. _“It was just a really bad time and I wasn’t…”_ he shook his head before closing his eyes and putting his head down and whispering. _“It doesn’t matter.”_

Amy sniggered, shaking her head unimpressed as her emotionless demeanour started to fade away. Leo looked at her, at her response and took several deep breaths before leaning back and looking up at the roof of the gazebo. He hadn’t thought about what he was going to say beyond apologising to her but he realised it was best to explain where he was coming from as best as he could and just hoped Amy would understand.

 _“This was never just about you, Amy.”_ Leo said coldly as Amy looked at him in surprise, her eyes widening as Leo leaned forward. _“You weren’t the only person who got hurt – who was struggling with what happened. This…”_ Leo took a deep breath. _“It affected me too. It was Hard for me too. This whole thing… was so new to me, in more ways than one. You were the first person in years who I let myself fall– I cut myself off from all…”_ Leo gestured to himself and Amy. “ _from this for a reason. It’s never worth the pain that comes with it when it ends. And it does end.”_

A sad realisation took hold of Leo and his demeanour suddenly changed. “ _It always ends…”_ He whispered miserably, breaking eye contact with Amy and looking at the ground before clearing his throat and wiping his forehead, cheek and neck as he regained his composure and nodding his head. “ _and when I was in this situation last time, well, the… the first time, it nearly killed me and to go through that again… to end up in that same place I was years ago…”_

 _“You see, when things ended with my ex… well, it wasn’t like this.”_ Leo said, smiling sadly. “ _I didn’t go through any of this. I mean, it… it hurt and it was really, really bad but… I was alone. It was just me. I only needed to worry about myself. I only had to look out for myself.”_ Leo’s voice and eyes softened and his lips started to tremble as a wave of memories came flooding back to the surface and he cleared his throat and took several deep breaths in order to maintain his composure. _“I mean, I still thought about him all the time and I missed him but… it was different. Easier, in a way because I didn’t have to see him everyday or be reminded of… it just hurt. That was it. But with you…”_ Leo gestured at Amy, shaking his head and chuckled lightly. “Y _ou were always there. I couldn’t get away from you, from seeing with all the time and it just made it worse and I didn’t know how to deal with it or what I was supposed to do or how to cope. It was just…”_ Leo said softly as he held his forehead in frustration. “God, _it was a mess.”_

_“And Elly… She made me realise that walking away, cutting you out of my life was the only thing I could do. That it was the easiest and the fastest way to make the pain go away so… I took it and I… I just thought it would be better for you too and I didn’t think about whether it would make things worse and for that, I’m truly sorry. I should’ve checked on you, made sure you were okay but… I didn’t want to get involved, I didn’t want to get too close in case something happened so I kept my distance. I thought you were better off alone. Better off without me and you’d be able to heal... if I wasn’t in your life anymore.”_

Amy looked up sadly, uncertain of how to respond or how to feel but before she could say anything, Leo took a deep breath and continued talking. _“Then… over a month ago…”_

 _“Do you remember when I called you? When I asked you to meet me?”_ Leo asked, tilting his head forward as Amy nodded and he nodded in response. _“A few days before, I was talking to Jimmy and he mentioned…”_ Amy leaned forward suddenly. _“He was worried about you and he said some things that made me realise I needed to talk to you and I, um… I had it all worked out and then…”_ Leo stared off in the distance. _“Mishti broke up with me and she… she said some things that I couldn’t stop thinking about. I couldn’t think clearly. I was just… I was all over the place and I knew, before I spoke to you that I needed to be in the right headspace which I wasn’t so I… I decided to wait. I didn’t want to risk making things worse and you seemed to be okay.”_ Leo smiled, faintly. _“I thought… I thought you were okay.”_ Leo whispered. “ _That maybe Jimmy was reading too much into it and it wasn’t as bad as he made it out to be. That’s on me. I know that.”_

Leo looked up, leaning closer to Amy as her eyes started to well with tears and he put his head down, nodding as he bit his lip and continued sadly and with conviction. “ _And, I really hope you believe me when I say that if I could have been there for you… then and now, I would have. I never would’ve let you go through this alone if there was any way I could’ve helped you and If I was able to, I never would have left your side.”_

 _“Well, you can say whatever you like now, can’t you?”_ Amy’s wiped the tears away from her eyes as her lips trembled and she stood up, walking towards Leo until she was standing over him. _“And for the record; being there for me… it couldn’t have made things any worse than they already were.”_

Leo looked up at Amy, his eyes full of regret at her words as he took a deep breath, shaking his head woefully as he closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands. Amy turned and walked away from him, slowly making her way over the bridge.

She’d never heard Leo talk like that before or seen him that vulnerable but his words, whether they were genuine or not, cleared up something she’d been wondering about for months. It was something she’d been wanting to ask him but held off because she knew it wasn’t her place to pry but now that she knew it, it was like she had the final piece of the puzzle and now everything had fallen into place. Despite that, she didn’t know if letting Leo in, believing him was worth the risk of possibly getting hurt again which she knew was likely to happen and figured it was best to keep her distance from him. At least until she could make sense of everything and knew for an absolute certainty that he wasn't going to hurt her again because next time, she might not be able to come back from it.

There was also Jimmy. She didn’t know how to feel about him going to Leo and asking him to help her but it made her wonder if he was the one who approached Toadie too. She hadn’t even considered him. For no other reason than if something was wrong, he would have talked to her himself, like he had for years. But things had been different between them lately. Something changed and she didn’t know what happened or when but one day, Jimmy just started avoiding her and hadn’t stopped. He was making excuses so he wouldn’t have to be around her, was sleeping over at his friend’s place every chance he got and even suggested at one point that he might move in with Toadie and Sonya, because they might have needed him to help out around the house and with Nell. Now, she was wondering what changed that made Jimmy ask someone to help her and the more she thought about it, the more it confused her.

As she stepped off the bridge, she stopped dead in her tracks the moment she saw Elly in the distance, looking around before setting her eyes on her and heading straight for her. For over a year, she’d believed without a shadow of a doubt that Leo just decided one day to walk away from her. That he didn’t care about her anymore and just couldn’t be bothered but to hear that Elly was the one who suggested he did that, that she advised him to walk away from her – it was like a dagger to the heart. Just knowing that she was responsible for all of this. That she could have hurt her that way and that she didn’t even try to comfort and help her. It was already bad enough that Leo had done it but now, it was just unbearable. Taking a deep breath, Amy shook her head and continued walking until she and Elly were directly in front of each other.

 _“Just…”_ Amy waved Elly off, coldly. _“Go away, Elly. I am not in the mood.”_

 _“Hey!”_ Elly called out, grabbing Amy’s arm gently as she attempted to walk past her and causing her to spin around until they were standing face to face.

 _“You told him to leave me?”_ Amy snapped back. 

_“Oh…”_ Elly’s eyes widened and she took an immediate step back. _“Amy, I was… I was just trying to help.”_

 _“Help?”_ Amy whispered, tilting her head at Elly in confusion. _“How was that supposed to help? Hm? WHO was that supposed to help? Because it sure as hell wasn’t me. God!”_ Amy clenched teeth, her voice getting louder as she demanded an answer. _“Why couldn’t you just leave it alone? You just kept telling me, reminding me over and over again that Leo was moving on – that I needed to move – “_

Elly snapped back, cutting Amy off. _“Neither of you would accept you couldn’t be together.”_

 _“Oh, that’s rubbish.”_ Amy whispered under her breath, turning away from Elly.

 _“Is it? Really?”_ Elly questioned, catching Amy’s attention. _“You were both acting like this was some tiny inconvenience that you needed time to work through.”_ Elly’s voice softened as she looked at Amy, at the sadness on her face. _“I did what I thought was necessary for both of you. Maybe I could have gone about it better but at the time… I was just trying to help you. And Leo.”_

 _“Hindsight in a wonderful thing… if it wasn’t so useless.”_ Amy said coldly. “ _So, where exactly was this help that you gave me? Because it seems like you were only concerned about Leo.”_

 _“Well, he… he just needed me more.”_ Elly whispered.

Amy huffed, unimpressed. _“Of course, he did.”_

 _“It’s true.”_ Elly said sincerely, edging closer to Amy. _“Leo, he… he wasn’t coping and he’s my best friend. I was just trying to get him through this in any way I could. I just… I did what he would have done for me. What he has done for me.”_

Amy looked up to the sky as her eyes started to well up and her voice choked up. _“And what about me?”_

 _“What about you?”_ Elly asked, confused as Amy’s eyes widened and she took a step backwards as her breathing became unsteady.

 _“I’m sorry. I didn’t…”_ Elly looked at Amy sadly, instantly regretting her words and moving closer to Amy, trying to approach the situation as sensitively as she could while forcing a smile. “B _ut it’s not like you were alone. You had your friends, your family – they were always there for you. Leo had no one except me.”_

 _“He had David!”_ Amy stated.

Elly chucked, amused. _“Oh, please.”_ Her amusement rapidly disappeared and she spoke with conviction. “ _David only cared about getting to know Paul – I doubt he even noticed Leo was struggling. You may not like it but, you weren’t alone, Amy.”_

 _“Doesn’t feel like it.”_ Amy said softly.

Elly looked at the ground before looking up at Amy and smiling gently as she tried to fix the situation. _“But it’s not like you needed me. There were people who could have helped you a lot more than I could’ve.”_

_“I do need you. More than you know.”_

Amy whispered as her lips started trembling and a single tear fell down her right cheek as she forced herself to smile through her sadness, nodding before turning away from Elly to wipe away the tear. Elly’s eyes widened at Amy’s reaction, opening and closing her mouth several times as she looked around, not knowing what to say before slowly approaching her and placing her hand on Amy’s arm, before she pushed it away.

_“I’m… I’m sorry, Amy.”_

_“Of course, you are. Everyone is always sorry when they can’t pretend anymore.”_ Amy clenched her teeth, anger radiating off her voice. _“When they can’t act like they actually did anything helpful. When they realise that you know what, everything isn’t okay – that it’s never been okay! You know, people always just accepted that I was fine. It wasn’t just you either – everyone did it. ‘Amy’s got friends, she’s got family, she’s smiling. She seems alright so she must be alright and because It isn’t obvious enough that she isn’t, I’m just not going to bother checking on her.’ God! You’re all the same.”_ Amy laughed bitterly.

 _“Amy…”_ Elly whispered under her breath.

Amy took a deep breath and tried to regain her composure as she turned around to look Elly, looking defeated. “ _What exactly would it take for you to realise I need help? Because it doesn’t seem like any of you are even there yet. I mean, why… Why is it on me? Why do I have to be the one to reach out?”_ Amy demanded. _“Is that what Leo has to do? Does he have to ask or tell you what’s going on or do you just know when something’s wrong?”_

 _“Don’t do this, Amy.”_ Elly shook her head.

_“Why not? Come on! I want to know. Which is it?”_

Elly took a deep breath as she answered reluctantly. _“I don’t know. Both, I guess. Leo can… he can talk to me. Tell me things that he can’t tell other people about and I can… I can see it. I just know when something’s wrong – when he’s upset or… or hurting or in a bad way. I mean, honestly how can you not? He’s not exactly good at hiding his feelings. Did you even see him tonight?”_ Elly tilted her head towards Amy. _“It was obvious something was wrong.”_

 _“Obvious?”_ Amy said coldly, her eyes half open and mixed with confusion, anger and devastation and she spoke through clenched teeth. “ _Did you see me tonight? Did you notice something was wrong with me?”_

_“Amy…”_

_“So, that’s either a yes and you just couldn’t be bothered coming over and… and checking on me or I just didn’t seem bad enough for you to be concerned or realise something might’ve been wrong.”_ Amy’s said softly, trying to conceal her pain before she huffed bitterly, shaking her head. _“Just forget it.”_

Amy paused to take a deep breath, continuing to look at Elly. _“So… I’m guessing that means that Leo told you that Jimmy asked him to talk to me?”_

 _“What?”_ Elly leaned forward, confused at the sudden change in direction of the conversation while trying to figure out a way to answer. _“Um… No. No, he, um… he didn’t. Wait. What happened with Jim-“_

 _“But he told you about us – about what was happening, at the time? How he…”_ Amy cleared her throat. _“felt?”_

 _“Yeah.”_ Elly responded softly. _“But… it’s not like he had to.”_

 _“Because you noticed something was wrong?”_ Amy enquired.

Elly took a deep breath. _“He looked like he’d been stabbed through the heart every time he looked at you. He didn’t have to tell me how much he was hurting, it was written all over his face. He was in so much pain and he hated himself for it – for still loving you, despite everything that happened. It didn’t just go away, he had to… bury it, otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to move on at all. If you spent five minutes with you, you would have seen that. It was right there. In everything he said, the way he said it, the look on his face – he was hurting”_

Amy’s eyes widened with surprise. Leo had already told her how he felt, that he was hurting but it sounded so superficial coming from him. As though the pain he was supposedly going through wasn’t even that bad. That it was just a messed-up situation with someone he always had to see but the way Elly was telling it, it felt different. It was real and painful and like she was seeing it through someone else’s eyes and a part of her started to consider what Leo was going through but before she had the chance to really think about it, Elly continued talking.

_“It didn’t take a genius to see it, Amy. I mean, you were the same. You looked at him the exact same way he looked at you. There was so much pain and grief and heartache. And the way you talked about him, it was like you were a second away from falling to pieces. Like you were barely able to hold it together and I mean, honestly neither of you seemed to know how to deal with it. Leo… even if I hadn’t told him to walk away, he would have eventually… the whole moving on thing would have happened because that’s what he does. It’s his, I don’t know coping mechanism, I guess. And, it seemed to work out for you too. Probably not the best way to cope, I should know but… you know, moving on with… and the partying and drinking and hooking up, it seemed to really help to you. Except for today… well, you managed to get your life back on track really well, especially after Nick.”_

_“You saw that?”_

_“What?”_

_“That I was going through the same thing as Leo?”_

Amy whispered, as her eyes filled with tears and her face tensed up and Elly nodded, faintly smiling before turning away. The way Elly had been talking earlier, she’d assumed that she just didn’t recognise what she was going through. That she didn’t see her pain and suffering for what it was because she was simply more concerned about Leo, about helping him. But now, to hear her actually admit that she saw it, that she knew what she was going through and that her and Leo was in the same position just made it clearer to her that Elly chose Leo over her. That she keeps choosing Leo over her and that she had so many opportunities to help her too and just decided to do nothing instead and that realisation, made her angry.

It was as though the anger she’d felt hours ago was starting to take hold of her again except this time, she felt calmer. She wasn’t angry in the sense that her blood was boiling or she wanted to scream at the top of her lungs or like she was about to explode, it was different. Not like anything she’d felt before and all she wanted to do, was hurt Elly in the worst way possible. Make her suffer in the same way she’d been left to suffer by taking the one thing she needed more than anything in her life right now – Leo.

Amy moved closer to Elly, her eyes filled with contempt and her voice completely emotionless. _“What about Mannix?”_

 _Mannix?”_ Elly turned to face Amy, confused.

 _“Well, you said he told you everything. Did he tell you what really happened to him? With him, I mean?”_ Amy tilted her head to the side, as she awaited an answer.

_“Just because you can be honest and tell someone the truth – doesn’t mean that you have to. What happened with Mannix was different.”_

_“How?”_ Amy questioned, leaning back confused as she stared to chuckle. _“Leo was obviously distressed about what happened so surely he would have opened up to you. Told you what was going on.”_

 _“He was looking out for me.”_ Elly said with conviction. _“It wasn’t like… the other times. Whatever happened…”_ Elly took a quick breath, as to stop herself from getting frustrated. _“Leo will tell me if and when he wants to or never, I don’t need to know and for the record, if he needed my help at the time, he would have come to me but he didn’t want me involved in this… whatever it is. I respect that.”_

 _“Or maybe he didn’t tell you because he doesn’t actually trust you.”_ Amy said coldly as Elly looked at her, leaning back and clearly distressed at her words. _“I mean,”_ Amy giggled, licking her lips. “ _I know and so does David, Jack, Mishti, Dipi, dad and I’m sure there are others. Just seems strange he didn’t tell you or maybe be just expects you to take his word for it so he doesn’t have to be honest and can just keep on lying. I mean, you tell him everything he tells you… what, exactly?”_

 _“That’s not how it is.”_ Elly whispered angrily.

 _“You think?”_ Amy said spitefully, through clenched teeth as she edged closer and closer to Elly. _“You just… accept it. You don’t question him, you just go along with everything he says so he can just keep telling you whatever he wants. I mean, for all you know he’s been lying to you for years.”_

Elly rolled her eyes and shook her head, disgusted _. “Just go home and sleep it off, Amy.”_

Elly brushed past Amy, gently knocking her as she headed towards Leo while Amy stood there, watching her motionless as she walked along the bridge and stopped, turning to look back at her, sadly before shaking her head and looking down as she continued walking until she reached the gazebo. Elly approached Leo slowly, sitting down next to him and placed her hand on his shoulder as she leaned down to look him in the eyes as Amy stared at them, taking a deep breath as she turned around, walking off into the darkness.  

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to discuss anything relating to this fic; feel free to message me at @sonyarebecchi on tumblr or @teamrebecchi on twitter :)


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